Battletoads Review by: Eirinn - 3.4/10
A great disservice to a classic titlePimple, Rash, and Zits, oh my! Bad stuff, right? Well that happens to be the names of our three toad-heros in this arcade port of the classic Battle Toads games. Unfortunately, this game is about as much fun as their names imply.
Having recently tried my first Mame rom, and loving it, I decided to check out some more. And what to my eyes appears, but a Mame port of a game series I loved as a young child! Battle Toads, eh? Well if you're a fan of the classic NES and SNES/Genesis Battle Toads games like I was, within ten minutes, you'll find yourself asking the same question I found myself asking: "what on Earth am I playing?". But to be fair, let's consider the time frame that this game was released in. Ah, yes, the early '90s. Fighters were very popular, largely due to the huge success of such titles as Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter. Many games were following the pattern of extreme violence and gore set forth by the MK series, as the radical trailblazer in video game violence. Gone were the days of foes simply falling to the ground and hearing "you win". No, stakes were much higher now. Lose a match and watch in horror as your foe mercilessly tears you limb from limb or rips your head off.
So now that we have an idea of what this Arcade port was up against in the dog-eat-dog world of arcade gaming, where it was a desperate race to grab the browsing player's attention before they could pop a quarter into another arcade machine, we can understand, and have a little mercy on it. The problems: in the world of flash that is Arcade gaming, this one tries too hard. The first thing you notice is the profuse and quite unnecessary amounts of blood that assault your eyes. All enemies spew excessive amounts of blood when hit, but some were more notable for it, such as level two's boss, who in the end, loses his head and flops around for a few moments spewing blood everywhere, and you play soccer with his head, kicking it off screen. Another notably bloody foe, the "Eyeball" I believe, sprays what appears to be gallons of blood upon dying.
Excessive gore and blood aside, there is some crude humor slipped in for a cheap laugh at points during battle, which honestly, I probably wouldn't have found quite so bothersome were it not that this game was already on my badside. So it probably isn't fair for me to say too much about that.
But enough rants on that. On to the rating.
Graphics: 9/10
This is one area where this game cannot be accused of lacking. When compared to similar titles of it's time, it can hang with the best. A decent amount of detail in the sprites and backgrounds, and if it had any blocky patches that we so commonly saw in games of it's age, anywhere in the game, I failed to notice them. Nice explosions, enemies flying directly at the screen when booted off, and even a humorous look of fear on our amphibian heroes faces when confronted by stage bosses that are often larger than life. Clean crisp graphics are this games strong point. If only the gameplay could match up to them.
Sound: 3/10
Awful.
I could leave it at that, and it would be sufficient to describe what sounds will meet your ears when you pop in that virtual coin, but I've always believed that to be fair, one should always be able to explain and give good reason to back up any comment, especially a critical one. So let's hear it: The music was far from appealing, and let's not get started on the voices. The actual thought that came to my mind was "It sounds like the sound recordings were run through a garbage disposal". Basically it sounds faded and like a dragging cassette tape. I actually began to dread picking up a weapon, as I knew it would mean hearing a terrible voice over. I'm not exaggerating.
Story: 3/10
I'm being generous here. There really is almost no storyline. Pretty much a message from each levels boss, and an ending sequence that managed to get a chuckle out of this otherwise disappointed gamer. Still, most "beat 'em up" games of it's time really didn't have much of a story. There were bad guys, they wanted to beat you up, and you wanted to beat them up. Simple enough.
Depth: 1/10
For the reasons previously listed in the story rating. Also for the fact that there is only one way to play: go beat the baddies up with your hands, feet, and whatever items you may find lying nearby.
Addictiveness: 1/10
I was glad when it finally ended. Sheer persistence is all that kept me through it the first time, and I can't imagine ever wanting to play it again.
Difficulty: 7/10
It's hard to rate most Mame games on difficulty, as you can keep adding credits as long as you want to, so there is no real loss when you have to continue. Still I spent well over twenty credits to beat this game. Difficult enough, but not a ten by any means.
Overall: 3.4/10
Sadly, I feel this is accurate at best, generous at worst. And were it not for graphics, this game would have no strong suit. One thing I will state in it's favor, is that the Carnage count at the end of each level puts a nice twist on multiplayer co-op play, as it makes for a nice co-op/competitive blend. Basically you and your teammates would see who could kill the most enemies. Still, that could only go so far in making up for the rest of the experience.
To wrap it up, unless you're just looking for good graphics displays, or a virtual blood bath, then this game doesn't hold too much for you. And after finishing it, you will be grateful for the "sell for Viz" option. Still, you'd do better grabbing classic battle toads, or another beat 'em up, instead of this one.
Graphics
9 Sound
3 Addictive
1 Depth
1 Story
3 Difficulty
7
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