Captain Novolin Review by: NovemberJoy - 2/10

Captain Novolin, the game that teaches you about diabetes. Well, this is just a total failure, in every aspect...In fact, this game really doesn't teach you much about diabetes, either.

Graphics - Bad Genesis game...wait, this is a SNES game?
This game's graphics are literally only slightly better than Dark Castle. There's few colors, and the game will lag from more than two enemies on screen, despite the graphics. Yes, the sprites are large, but it's not an excuse, even with the SNES' slow processor, to lag out. In fact, because of the simple graphics, just downgrade it a little, and you have an NES game. This is truly insulting.

Music/Sound - "Audio program:Mario Paint"
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if the following line appeared in the credits, because I can't tell the difference between Mario Paint's music and this game's music. The sound doesn't fare much better:it sounds like something you'd find on a cheap Genesis game.

Gameplay - Even diabetics wouldn't enjoy this game
The game just fails on so many levels, both fundamental and superfluous. So, let's break it down exactly how:

The controls are terrible, mainly because the developers don't seem to know the layout of the SNES controller. For some baffling reason, the A button is used for basically EVERYTHING other than movement or pausing. It just feels indescribably awkward to be using the A button this much on a SNES game/controller. Jumping is also slightly delayed and slowed down if you jump while moving, for some baffling reason, which occasionally makes dodging and hitting enemies a little more difficult than it should be. Then there's the fact that the controls don't allow you to select a larger or smaller dose of insulin, but I'll get to that later.

So, the plot of the game is that aliens have come from whoevencareswhere, and are disguised as sugary junk foods(?), and have been ordered by Blubberman(who isn't an alien, just some fat dude) to take over the Earth. Exactly how sugary junk food can take over the Earth is unexplained, unless everyone has diabetes. The mayor of Pineville(who is coincidentally diabetic) has been captured by the legions of junk food, and is being held prisoner on Mt. Wayupthar(No, literally, that's what the game calls it). Captain Novolin then goes out to save the mayor, as he only has enough diabetes supplies to last for 48 hours. Unfortunately, Captain Novolin should've just stayed at home:he's diabetic, too!

So, the gameplay has you go from left to right, trying to get to Mt. Wayupthar before the mayor runs out of diabetes supplies, trying not to be slaughtered by all the junk food attacking you. Of course, this is just a little harder than it sounds, due to enemies being frequent, enemies being large, along with the controls and the fact that four hits kills Novolin. There's also the time limit, and basic platforming. But, the biggest problem is this:The levels are COMPLETELY linear. Most of the levels are nothing but a straight line, and only a few levels even have pits or any kind of danger besides the swarm of enemies. The only thing you do is go to the right, and the levels are quite short, too.

The enemy selection is truly laughable. Let's see...there's living cereal boxes, living soda cans, living, jumping doughnuts, you get the idea. Also:flying Twizzlers. No, really.

To add to the difficulty, the hit detection is absolutely APPALLING. More times than I could count, I got hit without even touching an enemy, and hit an enemy without even touching it. As well, I fell through a platform more than once. It's just unfair to fall off of a platform you cleanly landed on, you know?

Then, there's the game mechanics. Really, these mechanics are horrible. So, because Novolin is diabetic, he has to get the right amount of food to keep himself going, but not too much, to make sure that his blood glucose doesn't go too high. The problem? You have no clue how much your meter has gone up or down, and you have no guide on how much you should eat. Which means that many an unsuspecting player has died from eating too much because they didn't know that if your blood glucose goes off the meter, you die instantly, no matter how much health you have left. Sometimes, due to the level design, you will either have to get hit by an enemy or get a food item...pick your poison.

Of course, since this game is made to educate you about diabetes, there's questions about diabetes, insulin, and glucose. At the beginning of any section with a question, you'll get a piece of information, like "Unopened bottles of insulin should be stored in the refrigerator." At the end of that section, you'll be asked a question, which the piece of information you got will help you answer. Usually, the correct answer is easy to pick out because the other answers are simply stupid, to the point where I got only ONE question wrong, ONCE. And that was because I haven't studied very much on insulin, diabetes, and such. And, really, what diabetic wants to embrace diabetes with a game about diabetes? You play games to get away from life, and this game breaks that rule. Diabetics don't want to play a game where you play as a diabetic! Are these developers insane? In fact, with all the enemies being junk food, the ridiculous plot, the diabetic hero, and the stupidly easy questions, it seems more like this game was designed to MOCK diabetics! And who wants to play a game that mocks a disease you have?

So, let's just take a look at the final boss. OK, so, at the end, you fight the only boss in this game, Blubberman, in an epic battle for the ages. No, wait, I was thinking about a different game, because this bossfight is just as stupid as the game itself. So, Blubberman throws pies at you, and there's an electric current shooting waves of electricity at you. You're supposed to jump at a lever, which somehow shifts it so that it shoots at Blubberman, and then just wait for the electric currents to kill him, while avoiding the pies. Then, you just go to the ri- Wait just a second. The electricity doesn't shut off, and IT CAN STILL KILL YOU?! Now that's a Kaizo trap if I've ever seen one.

So, after you get to the mayor, determine from the text what to do. Either he will have severe hypoglycemia, or hypoglycemia. Oh, and which option you pick really doesn't matter:He will live, even if you pick the wrong option. If you pick the wrong option, the game just corrects you, and you miss out on the points from that question. Oh, and even the ending sucks. The mayor just congratulates Novolin and gives him a key to the city. Oh, and the game gives you your final score. Wait, final score? They thought somebody would actually care about GETTING A HIGH SCORE IN AN EDUCATIONAL GAME ABOUT DIABETES?! These people are just as stupid as I'd expect...

So, let's recap:
-Stupid questions
-Horrible broken controls
-Terrible graphics
-Bad sound
-Flat level design
-Mocking tone of diabetes
-Terrible ending
-Incredibly lazy final boss
+Umm...I don't think there's anything good about this game.

Final Rating: D-(Almost playable, but so many problems that it's unbelievable)

(By the way, I use a PS3 controller to play my games now. It's a lot better than a keyboard when you're playing games, I must admit.)

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