02-18-15 03:04 PM

Singelli is Offline

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| ID: 1138728 | 1686 Words

Singelli

Level: 162

POSTS: 8484/8698
POST EXP: 1189395
LVL EXP: 54271538
CP: 67378.0
VIZ: 3152255

Likes: 34 Dislikes: 0

Dear Vizzed,

Although I love each and every one of you, let me first state that this is –not- a coming back letter. I read your responses to my goodbye thread through a ‘guest’ account, and the replies were heartfelt and almost enough to make me regret my decision (thank you for your magnanimity in leaving the thread open throughout the day, geeogree). However, my decision had nothing to do with events going on in my real life… at least, not directly. Vizzed is simply ‘too young’ and ‘too fast’ for me. I fell out of place a long time ago and have long since known that I could not contribute much other than a ‘kind face’. Friendships I formed long ago dissolved for the favor of newer and better relationships… and although that was hard to face… it was also quite alright. I realize that my interests and convictions are not easy to flesh with. Your tolerance was a wonderful thing to be the recipient of.

However, I haven’t returned to get emotional about goodbyes and bygones! Most of you are lovely people and I’m sure that… deep down, you are aware of this.

Instead, I came to share a very special story and testimony. It’s important enough for me to come back and share with my digital family.

I realize that many of you are not the religious sort and hate to hear about my God, but either bare with me, skip to the end, or read people’s comments if you want to know what the thread is about (without meandering through my ramblings).

Okay, here goes:

I’ve always wanted children. It’s been a sort of… obsession of mine for a long time, and one my mother always teased me about. However, I have a severe case of PCOS (a disorder that affects women’s reproductive systems) and my doctor told me that I could only have children with tons of intervention… and even then, it’d be iffy. This hurt (a lot), and I couldn’t convince my husband to see a fertility doctor. Adoption is expensive, and I couldn’t agree with my husband on what to look for in an adopted child either. Thus, I was left to fantasize about someday acquiring children.

And as usual, I made resolutions in January. Now, to be fair, I often create (and break! lol) resolutions, but January is always the big kahuna of resolution-making, you know? I resolved to get and stay healthy, to spend less time online, and to avoid sinful acts and the temptation that leads to them. I started the year very strongly in all areas, but quickly slipped into letting temptation whisper in my ears. I made a habit of lending credence to those whispers despite the guilt that grew. I had wondered for a long time how the sin affected my spiritual and personal life. Throughout December, I ‘heard’ other whispers in my mind as well. They nagged my conscious and told me that such sinful acts were a part of the reason I couldn’t have children. I ignored them until the second week of January. Suddenly, those whispers changed and became an ultimatum: “As long as this sin is in your life, you will have no children.” It was certain, resolute, and a little frightening.

However, it was also exactly what I needed. Immediately and consistently afterwards, the sin was easy to avoid and any temptation was laughable. My desires were gone and I felt repulsed by the ideas of them. I didn’t discuss this with my husband however, because I feared that this ‘ultimatum’ was one I placed on myself due to my extreme desire to have children. I had also, for several months, felt that God was ‘getting me ready to have children’, but I clearly wasn’t pregnant. The continuous notion that God was getting me ready to have children seemed like a silly fabrication bred from my obsessions.

Around the first of the year, I was also convicted about seeing my doctor. You see, due to my PCOS, I’m really supposed to see my doctor once a year. Nonetheless, I hadn’t been in 2.5 years because I just didn’t see the point of spending that money. I had been placed on medicine to control my hormones, and… well, science is amazing! Despite only taking the medicine for 6-8 months… those little pills kept my hormones balanced and things in check for nearly two years. Although I wasn’t facing any of the annoyances of my disorder, I decided to ‘do right’ and schedule my appointment.

And then one more odd thing happened. I’ve been trying to eat and drink right for more than half a year, but mid-January, I became far, far more self-conscious about it. I felt God urging me to eat –even- better… to exercise better, and to take care of my body. I obeyed and –completely- eliminated sodas and… *gasp*… energy drinks from my diet. I restricted my meals to veggies, fruit, and some good meats…. and I avoided items that were full of chemicals. I felt the urge, more than ever, to keep fit.

Still, I lost no weight, and I constantly felt exhausted. I started suffering insomnia as well…. which really sucked. It was frustrating, but I also know that women with PCOS face massive struggles to lose weight. Anyone else that ate and exercised like I did would have lost 20 or so pounds, I suspect.

Anyways, on the day of my appointment, I arrived early and I was anxious… I really do not like being examined. Luckily, I was not made to wait… but my doctor got called to make a delivery while I was naked on the table. What torture! I laid in that room, my fingers and toes freezing despite the warming pad beneath me… and, well, I went on with my fantasizing. I imagined greeting her return with an expression of amazement at the delivery, and her replying with great news.

And then something occurred to me. You see, I believe in the power of words, but I had never verbally expressed faith that God would give me a child. Oh sure, I’d tell people that God would give me a child if it was in His Will and in His timing, but I never –claimed- it. So while I was tucking my fingers into my palms and curling my toes against the footrests (it was cold!), I spoke into the silence. “I’m pregnant.” I felt silly and I grinned, but I’m oh so glad I did it.

You see, vizzed, my dear online family… God WAS getting me ready to have a child. I just never suspected it would be NOW.

There’s a mini-Singelli on the way! (I just HAD to share this with the population I love most.)

The doctor came back and I apologized for the time she had taken. I replied something along the lines of “It’s alright. I heard you just helped with a delivery. How exciting!”

And she beamed a smile at me and said “Yes, and congratulations!”

I was shocked, and stunned, and had to ask several times if she was serious. I even clarified: “You’re.. you’re saying congratulations because… because I’m pregnant?” She showed me the paperwork, and every question I had prepared about my PCOS slipped my mind.

I’m going to be a mother!

I bawled and boo-hoo’d all the way home. I could do nothing but thank God.

A week later (yesterday), I had my first ultra-sound… and would you believe it? I’m 2.5 months along! I’ve had absolutely no symptoms with my miracle baby, and I’m almost through with the first trimester. All these numbers were read to me and I have no idea what they were… but they were all “good”. The doctor didn’t warn me before she played my baby’s heartbeat, and everything suddenly became so much more real. I cried and boo-hoo’d all over again. Just the thought of that heart beating within me is enough to make me tear up and choke up even now.

I know many women experience pregnancy and that… well perhaps it doesn’t seem like a big deal. But I can’t describe my euphoria. There are no words to explain how very, very happy and elated and complete I feel. Nothing can tear me down! I’m sure I will cry a few more times today, and many, many more times throughout the next 7 months.

It was a perfect time of year to get the news as well. I revealed the news to my parents on Valentine’s Day.

Jason and I already have the names picked, too. A stipulation of our marriage was that, should we ever have a boy, we’d name him after Jason’s grandfather: Joel Keith Singell. This meant I got to find the girl name. I looked and looked and finally found one my husband and I both adored: Shiloh. It means peace, abundance, and God’s gift. (It was also the original capital of Israel before the temple was built in Jerusalem.) As for a middle name, my grandmother, mother, myself, and my first daughter will all share it: Dian. Thus, if we have a girl, she will be Shiloh Dian Singell.

I waited to reveal this to you guys so that I could also wish one of my best friends ever a happy birthday:

becerra95:

I know I’m a day early, but I hope that you have a great day. I hope you come visit the new member of the family, and I’m so glad I got to find out around your birthday! Be a good ‘godparent’, eh?

It’s also my nephew’s birthday tomorrow, and although he’s only a year old and will never see this, I thought it was worth mentioning. It’s so awesome that bec and my twin’s baby share the same birthday. I still remember being so excited about that news last year, and ‘calling’ that their birthdays would fall on the same date.

What a wonderful week this has been!

Vizzed, I’m going to be a mother!

Love, and God bless,

Kelli