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04-01-13 07:35 PM
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04-01-13 08:32 PM
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My 1st creepypasta
04-01-13 07:35 PM
thenoobtester is Offline
| ID: 768461 | 1470 Words
thenoobtester is Offline
POSTS: 160/544
POST EXP: 51702
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CP: 441.3
VIZ: 10977
This is the first creepypasta I have ever attempted writing. It is probably pretty bad, but I can only get better. Feedback is, as always, appreciated. It does have some gross/violent moments. Thanks for reading! August 30th, 1995 Luke was about 8 years old. He lived with his mom, dad, and older brother John. John was 18, and about to leave for college. But before he left, he had one last thing to do. “Hey, Luke, come over here.” he called. Luke rushed downstairs, into the basement where Johns room was. “What?” Luke asked “It’s my old NES. I won’t be needing it in college, so you can use it.” he replied. Luke's family did not have much money, so they usually never bought anything they didn’t need. The NES was the only console in the whole house, and John had never let Luke use it. “Wow, this is amazing John!” Luke said. “Take care of it. It’s really important to me. Do you promise?” John replied “Cross my heart, hope to die!” Luke said. He didn’t really care, he just wanted to play Super Mario Bros. It was one of the only 2 games they had, along with Duck Hunt. Luke couldn't’t wait to play it. After moving the NES out of Johns old room, and into Lukes room, Luke immediately started playing. He put the Super Mario Bros. cartridge into the NES, but it wouldn't’t work. The TV was just a black screen. Luke tried, and tried again, but it wouldn't’t work, no matter what he did. So he decided to just play Duck Hunt. ... It was a Saturday morning. Every day Luke woke up, he had tried to get the Super Mario Bros. cartridge to work, but it just wouldn't’t work. Duck Hunt worked perfectly fine, but Super Mario Bros. wouldn’t load up. Luke finally decided to get rid of his cartridge. It was worthless, and he might even be able to get a new game for Christmas. Used, of course, they didn’t make them new anymore. Christmas Day Luke tore away at the wrapping paper. It was it! His mom got him a used Super Mario Bros. cartridge. Luke hugged his mom, and ran over to the TV. He put the cartridge in the NES and started playing immediately. The game went to the normal opening screen, but something seemed a bit wrong. Luke had no idea what it was, but he ignored it, it was probably just a part of the game. He went through all of World 1 in that morning. World 2-1 loaded up, but something was wrong. Mario sprite was a bit paler than usual, and he was slower, not as agile. It was slight, but it was noticeable. It seemed the whole game was slower. The music, the enemies, all of it. Luke only got to World 2-3 before he had to stop. He had to eat lunch, and his mom didn’t want him to spend all day on that “waste of time”. Luke went to bed. He woke up in the morning early, up before dawn. He ran over to his TV, and started up SMB. He played through World 2-3 and 2-4, but at the end, when Toad usually said his line about Peach being in another castle, instead, he just said “You won’t find her here.” Luke thought it was just part of the game, it was just his first time through, and even though the other castle said the original line, he didn’t take notice. He continued playing on. He got to World 3-3, and in the middle of it, he accidentally hit a goomba and it started to play the music that plays when you die. But it kept repeating. Just that same music over and over again. Luke got scared and turned off the console. He decided something was wrong with the game, and it just seemed unsettling. He hid it behind the TV and forgot about it. 3 1/2 YEARS LATER Luke heard the news a month ago. His family was moving out to Colorado, because his dad got a better job. It was the last day at his house, the next day they would be waking up early to catch a flight. He was bored because the moving people had moved out pretty much everything, except for the few things they were leaving behind, like the old TV, and the NES. He had gotten a Gamecube last Christmas, but only because he agreed to pay for half of the cost. He got a couple of games for it too, and had moved on from the NES. He felt like playing on his NES one last time before he got rid of it for good. He was going over to find a cartridge to play, but when he was looking through the cabinet, he saw it. SMB, just sitting in the cabinet. Maybe his mom had found the old cartridge behind the TV and decided to put it away. He remembered what had happened with the game, but he thought it was just his overactive imagination. He put the cartridge in, and it was starting to load up, when his mom called him. “Luke! Time for dinner! I mean now Luke!” She yelled across the house. “OK mom, coming!” Luke replied. He would have to wait until after dinner to play. After eating dinner, he went back to the TV. The menu theme began to play. He loaded up his old saved game, still at World 3-3. He began to play, when his mom came into the room. “Luke, you can’t play that now. You have to finish packing up, and get to bed. We leave early tomorrow morning.” his mom said. Luke tried to protest, but his mom didn’t care. She sent him up to finish packing, and sent him to bed. It was late at night. Coming on 1:30 AM. It was time. Luke creeped slowly down the stairs, and turned on his TV. He put the SMB cartridge into the NES, and it began to play. He started back on World 3-3, but there was something wrong. All the enemies were gone, and the music seemed a bit slow. Luke had no idea why this was, and tried removing the cartridge, and blowing on it a few times. Nothing worked. He re-inserted the cartridge, and started to play to see if he could find out why this was happening. He quickly went through World 3, and started World 4. At this point, he was drawn in to see if this went on for the rest of the game. The music had stopped completely. Luke started to freak out, but he felt a strange, almost force compelling him to play. He went through 4-1 to 4-3, and finally made it to 4-4, when something went very, very wrong. He went to collect a mushroom, just because, and Mario suddenly stopped. His face turned green, and he started to puke. It was very pixely, but you could tell he was vomiting. It was disgusting, but Luke stayed. He didn't know why. Mario stopped vomiting, and turned almost towards the screen in a way. His face looked weird facing forwards. All the sudden, a text box showed up. It said "STOP". All the sudden, the background elements began to disappear. The sky, and ? boxes, until the only thing left on the screen was Mario, and the "STOP". Mario and the text box disappeared, and a bunch of goombas, koopa troopas, and hammer bros showed up, all bloodied, and some even had bones sticking out of their skin. Even with the pixelation, it was grotesque.
This screen stayed there for 10 seconds, and slowly, text showed up. "Think of what you've done". And everything just stopped. The screen stayed there. Luke ran up to the NES, and pressed the power button. Mario showed up, full screen, giving him better graphics for his body, was showing sitting in a chair. He pulled out a gun, and the screen cut to black. There was a shot, and the TV turned off. Luke ran up to his room and hid under his covers until daybreak.
Dawn slowly approached. Right before his parents woke up, Luke took the cartridge outside, and buried it under the maple tree in his backyard. He left a few hours later. Now I lie in wait, waiting for my new owners to dig up the unusual, previously dug up spot in their backyard, to find me... So yeah, that was my story, thank you for reading it and giving me feedback too! I know the font goes from default to Arial, but it won't let me change back to default from Arial for some weird reason. Thanks!
Edit: Layout removed, helps see the post better. August 30th, 1995 Luke was about 8 years old. He lived with his mom, dad, and older brother John. John was 18, and about to leave for college. But before he left, he had one last thing to do. “Hey, Luke, come over here.” he called. Luke rushed downstairs, into the basement where Johns room was. “What?” Luke asked “It’s my old NES. I won’t be needing it in college, so you can use it.” he replied. Luke's family did not have much money, so they usually never bought anything they didn’t need. The NES was the only console in the whole house, and John had never let Luke use it. “Wow, this is amazing John!” Luke said. “Take care of it. It’s really important to me. Do you promise?” John replied “Cross my heart, hope to die!” Luke said. He didn’t really care, he just wanted to play Super Mario Bros. It was one of the only 2 games they had, along with Duck Hunt. Luke couldn't’t wait to play it. After moving the NES out of Johns old room, and into Lukes room, Luke immediately started playing. He put the Super Mario Bros. cartridge into the NES, but it wouldn't’t work. The TV was just a black screen. Luke tried, and tried again, but it wouldn't’t work, no matter what he did. So he decided to just play Duck Hunt. ... It was a Saturday morning. Every day Luke woke up, he had tried to get the Super Mario Bros. cartridge to work, but it just wouldn't’t work. Duck Hunt worked perfectly fine, but Super Mario Bros. wouldn’t load up. Luke finally decided to get rid of his cartridge. It was worthless, and he might even be able to get a new game for Christmas. Used, of course, they didn’t make them new anymore. Christmas Day Luke tore away at the wrapping paper. It was it! His mom got him a used Super Mario Bros. cartridge. Luke hugged his mom, and ran over to the TV. He put the cartridge in the NES and started playing immediately. The game went to the normal opening screen, but something seemed a bit wrong. Luke had no idea what it was, but he ignored it, it was probably just a part of the game. He went through all of World 1 in that morning. World 2-1 loaded up, but something was wrong. Mario sprite was a bit paler than usual, and he was slower, not as agile. It was slight, but it was noticeable. It seemed the whole game was slower. The music, the enemies, all of it. Luke only got to World 2-3 before he had to stop. He had to eat lunch, and his mom didn’t want him to spend all day on that “waste of time”. Luke went to bed. He woke up in the morning early, up before dawn. He ran over to his TV, and started up SMB. He played through World 2-3 and 2-4, but at the end, when Toad usually said his line about Peach being in another castle, instead, he just said “You won’t find her here.” Luke thought it was just part of the game, it was just his first time through, and even though the other castle said the original line, he didn’t take notice. He continued playing on. He got to World 3-3, and in the middle of it, he accidentally hit a goomba and it started to play the music that plays when you die. But it kept repeating. Just that same music over and over again. Luke got scared and turned off the console. He decided something was wrong with the game, and it just seemed unsettling. He hid it behind the TV and forgot about it. 3 1/2 YEARS LATER Luke heard the news a month ago. His family was moving out to Colorado, because his dad got a better job. It was the last day at his house, the next day they would be waking up early to catch a flight. He was bored because the moving people had moved out pretty much everything, except for the few things they were leaving behind, like the old TV, and the NES. He had gotten a Gamecube last Christmas, but only because he agreed to pay for half of the cost. He got a couple of games for it too, and had moved on from the NES. He felt like playing on his NES one last time before he got rid of it for good. He was going over to find a cartridge to play, but when he was looking through the cabinet, he saw it. SMB, just sitting in the cabinet. Maybe his mom had found the old cartridge behind the TV and decided to put it away. He remembered what had happened with the game, but he thought it was just his overactive imagination. He put the cartridge in, and it was starting to load up, when his mom called him. “Luke! Time for dinner! I mean now Luke!” She yelled across the house. “OK mom, coming!” Luke replied. He would have to wait until after dinner to play. After eating dinner, he went back to the TV. The menu theme began to play. He loaded up his old saved game, still at World 3-3. He began to play, when his mom came into the room. “Luke, you can’t play that now. You have to finish packing up, and get to bed. We leave early tomorrow morning.” his mom said. Luke tried to protest, but his mom didn’t care. She sent him up to finish packing, and sent him to bed. It was late at night. Coming on 1:30 AM. It was time. Luke creeped slowly down the stairs, and turned on his TV. He put the SMB cartridge into the NES, and it began to play. He started back on World 3-3, but there was something wrong. All the enemies were gone, and the music seemed a bit slow. Luke had no idea why this was, and tried removing the cartridge, and blowing on it a few times. Nothing worked. He re-inserted the cartridge, and started to play to see if he could find out why this was happening. He quickly went through World 3, and started World 4. At this point, he was drawn in to see if this went on for the rest of the game. The music had stopped completely. Luke started to freak out, but he felt a strange, almost force compelling him to play. He went through 4-1 to 4-3, and finally made it to 4-4, when something went very, very wrong. He went to collect a mushroom, just because, and Mario suddenly stopped. His face turned green, and he started to puke. It was very pixely, but you could tell he was vomiting. It was disgusting, but Luke stayed. He didn't know why. Mario stopped vomiting, and turned almost towards the screen in a way. His face looked weird facing forwards. All the sudden, a text box showed up. It said "STOP". All the sudden, the background elements began to disappear. The sky, and ? boxes, until the only thing left on the screen was Mario, and the "STOP". Mario and the text box disappeared, and a bunch of goombas, koopa troopas, and hammer bros showed up, all bloodied, and some even had bones sticking out of their skin. Even with the pixelation, it was grotesque.
This screen stayed there for 10 seconds, and slowly, text showed up. "Think of what you've done". And everything just stopped. The screen stayed there. Luke ran up to the NES, and pressed the power button. Mario showed up, full screen, giving him better graphics for his body, was showing sitting in a chair. He pulled out a gun, and the screen cut to black. There was a shot, and the TV turned off. Luke ran up to his room and hid under his covers until daybreak.
Dawn slowly approached. Right before his parents woke up, Luke took the cartridge outside, and buried it under the maple tree in his backyard. He left a few hours later. Now I lie in wait, waiting for my new owners to dig up the unusual, previously dug up spot in their backyard, to find me... So yeah, that was my story, thank you for reading it and giving me feedback too! I know the font goes from default to Arial, but it won't let me change back to default from Arial for some weird reason. Thanks!
Edit: Layout removed, helps see the post better. |
| TheNoobTESTER, not ThenoobSTER. Gawd. |
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 01-05-13
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04-01-13 07:58 PM
austipokedude is Offline
| ID: 768500 | 40 Words
austipokedude is Offline
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Are you sure this is your first?It is a great creepypasta I suggest all you need to do is make the ending a bit better though but thats it great job I look forward to seeing another creepypasta from you. |
 Vizzed #1 Absol fan Second place in 2013 June VCS 4th place in 2013 Winter Tour De Vizzed |
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04-01-13 08:00 PM
thenoobtester is Offline
| ID: 768507 | 57 Words
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austipokedude : wow, thanks! Yes it is my first, but I read a lot of creepy pastas, and watch this youtube channel that reviews creepypastas too. So what should I do to improve the ending? I couldn't think of a ending that would close it all up without going cliché, which I tried to avoid while writing this. |
| TheNoobTESTER, not ThenoobSTER. Gawd. |
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
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04-01-13 08:03 PM
ender44 is Offline
| ID: 768512 | 235 Words
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I am going to dissect this, so hold onto your seat. What was that weird thing in the opening screen? Give us some descr Nobody wants to wait until the end of a story to get to creepy stuff, which I didn't find creepy, but I'm sure someone else will. All of the story until then was just filler like that dinner scene, which was just trying to play, filler dialogue, then some more filler dialogue. Wait, how did a cartridge write a story? I owned an NES, and my cartridges couldn't do that, believe me, I tried. I'm sure you thought it was a good plot twist, but it was unnecessary was just wasn't good. Think about Sonic.exe, he tried to bring the evil character to life, and it made the story much crappier than it already was. The story could have been true until then, but that ruined it. And that is technically what you did. I don't get the story. These stories have to have symbolism. They have to take something the game does, and turn it incredibly dark. Why did Mario kill himself? I just don't get it. Sorry if feelings were hurt. What was that weird thing in the opening screen? Give us some descr Nobody wants to wait until the end of a story to get to creepy stuff, which I didn't find creepy, but I'm sure someone else will. All of the story until then was just filler like that dinner scene, which was just trying to play, filler dialogue, then some more filler dialogue. Wait, how did a cartridge write a story? I owned an NES, and my cartridges couldn't do that, believe me, I tried. I'm sure you thought it was a good plot twist, but it was unnecessary was just wasn't good. Think about Sonic.exe, he tried to bring the evil character to life, and it made the story much crappier than it already was. The story could have been true until then, but that ruined it. And that is technically what you did. I don't get the story. These stories have to have symbolism. They have to take something the game does, and turn it incredibly dark. Why did Mario kill himself? I just don't get it. Sorry if feelings were hurt. |
| Ender44 didnt get Lucky777 syndrome on 2/7/13! |
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04-01-13 08:04 PM
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thenoobtester : You will learn through experience and do better and better as you keep making new ones. |
| Vizzed #1 Absol fan Second place in 2013 June VCS 4th place in 2013 Winter Tour De Vizzed |
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04-01-13 08:32 PM
thenoobtester is Offline
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ender44 : Don't worry, I expected something like that. I wrote this over like 8 months, I started back in July, stopped, then started back up in January, stopped, and finished it a few days ago, so I changed the storyline and story arc over time. The red wasn't for blood colored, it was so you could read it against my layout. I tried to do a sort of build-up thing, but it didn't work too well, I know. I didn't want the story to be in 1st person, but I knew someone had to be writing it, and I was like "What is the only thing there the whole time... the cartridge!" And the Mario killing himself part is supposed to be up to you to decide. I have an idea of why, but I wanted to leave it more open. Don't worry, I have been more harsh on some peoples stories, but the feedback was still good regardless. I hope it will make my future creepy pastas better. |
| TheNoobTESTER, not ThenoobSTER. Gawd. |
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