Okay, first of all, this one doesn't exhibit as much quality or cohesiveness as most of my stories, simply because it is my first draft.  I always rush through something when I have an idea, and later I go back and make it run smoothly.  This story is meant to be a bit elusive to the reader up until a certain point, so not all of the confusion will be due to it being my first draft.  If you read this, please keep in mind plot and not the fluency of the words.  I'll work on that part later.  

Going back and re-reading it, I think it's VERY choppy, but I wanted to get a basic idea and the dialogue down.  When I go back to edit this story, it will be mainly the dialogue I keep, while everything else around the dialogue will be re-written to make the story flow more smoothly.

She leaned a little more forward, her breath quickening, as her eyes anxiously scanned the words. The sharp black lines cut into her thoughts, divided her emotions, and and breached all clarity.

"Ms. Partel,
I am writing to you concerning your brother, Seth Partel. I regret to inform you..."

That's all Riley could read. She tried over and over again to get past those five words but some invisible blindfold was placed on her eyes. She finally gave up, pursed her lips, and folded the letter back with trembling hands. She didn't need to see the rest. It was a lie. Without even reading the words, she knew the false claims they held.

She stood in her tiny, quiet living room, her head bowed, her brown curls falling towards the floor. What now? What should she do next?
A mellow ring interrupted her consternation and she looked up. A shadow filled the window of her door. She sighed and placed the offending letter on the the mantlepiece, next to Seth's picture. Picking it up, she brushed the dust off tenderly and kissed the picture. "Help me out Seth," her voice trembled. "You've never been gone before...don't start now."

She set the photo down, and filled with new resolution, approached the darkened door frame. Throwing open her door, she saw it was only her intrusive neighbor, Carlita. She smiled at the possible justice. "Carlita, I need your car," she said before Carlita could giggle.

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Carlita sat in the passenger's side, for once at a complete loss for words. Well, not completely, Riley noticed. Carlita's pleading fingers stroked her dashboard and her eyes implored the steering wheel.

"Where are we going Riley?" Carlita asked.

Riley sighed. With those five words ringing in her ears, and after the verbal battle she had intensely fought to get Carlita's keys, she wasn't in the mood to talk. However, she also knew it wasn't wisest to have only five words in her head.

"We're going to Brad's," she said.

"Brad?!?!" Carlita said, clearly shocked. "You can't stand Brad. You haven't talked to him for....years!"

"Fourteen months," Riley interrupted. "And I know. I'm not looking forward to this, trust me. It's just....he was closest to Seth."

Carlita was in her element. She sat up, giggled and clapped her hands, eliciting a groan from Riley. "Oh, something juicy is up! Please tell me!!!" she sung in a silly tone of voice.

Riley slammed on the brakes and pulled to the side of the dusty road. Out in the middle of nowhere, pulling over wasn't really necessary, but Riley felt the dramatics were. With one hand on the steering wheel, she turned and faced her two-faced neighbor.

"Carlita. This is NOT a laughing matter. If you giggle, clap your hands, or mention gossip again, I will kick you out of your own car. I am going to Brad's to ask him some questions. He knows what is going on, and I WILL have what he knows. You are NOT to interrupt us. If you can't resist, you will sit here, in your car, without your keys." Her expression softened. "Look, I'm not having the best of days okay? I'm lost, tired, and lonely. And as you so often remind me, it's...only been a while since....."

Riley looked away, unable to finish, and Carlita placed a surprisingly tender hand on Riley's knee. "I'm sorry Riley. I know this is important to you, whatever it is. I'll....keep my comments sensible."

Riley nodded and slowly urged the car back onto the road, her brows furrowed, heart aching, and hand on her stomach.

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Riley stood at the creaking doorstep and rubbed her arms. She tried to avoid looking at the decorations all over the porch, the reminders of who Brad was. She lifted the cross-adorned knocker hesitantly before letting it fall back down and softly hit the door. Carlita stood behind her, not at all uncomfortable at her location, but eager to get off her feet, which were new to supporting the weight of another person. With only four months to go, her impending first pregnancy was painfully obvious.

The door creaked only slightly open, and through the darkness, a deep voice spoke.

"I thought I told you to never darken my doorstep again Riley Partel."

Riley put her hands on her hips and pursed her lips again. "It's hard to darken your doorstep, Brad Tep, with all your lights out and the moon up. It's a long drive here, and you know it. If you are afraid to face me in the dark, I will sit here, 'darkening' your doorstep, until you have no option but to open that door."

Carlita let out a noise of protest and there was an awkward pause.

"I will only let you in, Partel, because you have a sister with you." At that, the door opened and a light switch was flipped on. A well-built, tawny headed man filled the frame. "Sister Carlita, I pray your pregnancy is going well?"

She nodded her head and smiled, as she stepped around Riley and into the door.

"Riley, I will not bite. Pray for you maybe, but not bite."

Riley nodded her head reluctantly and stepped inside. She fidgeted her hands and shuffled to the side, so that Brad could close the door. "Ladies?" He extended his arm towards his living room and flipped more switches. The inside floors of his home were made completely of mahogany wood, and combined with the ecru walls, his living room felt very moody. Depictions of Jesus Christ adorned almost every piece of furniture in the room and a bible was placed brazenly on the little glass table in the center of the room.

Riley sat down next to Carlita and Brad took his time sitting down across from them. The bible between the two parties seemed to Riley an insurmountable chasm. But to Brad, it seemed an unbreakable tie.

Brad leaned forward and rested on his elbows. "I'm probably hoping too much that you have come to repent?" he asked in a low voice.
Riley met his gaze. "No. Brad, I've come to discuss Seth."

Brad sat back, the smile in his eyes betraying his strained frown. The smile in his eyes dulled. "Not even the love for your brother has shown you the truth yet?" he inquired.

"Brad." Riley's voice got stern. "I am not here to discuss petty matters of the past with you. I know how you feel about me. I wouldn't have come here if my own life depended on it. This is far more than me. This is Seth."

Brad nodded in agreeance. "Business it is then."

"Brad, I want to know the truth. What was...or is...Seth involved in?"

Carlita let out a laugh. "Now that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard! You mean, you've forgotten where your brother works?" She giggled and leaned back, slapping a hand to Riley's shoulder. Perturbed, Riley dangled car keys in front of Carlita's eyes. She got the desired effect immediately.

"Brad. I know that Seth was involved in something more than 'Word Enterprises'. I can't explain it. I just know. I need to know all about it. And I need to know why he was sent away. I don't want half-truths. As a man of God, Brad, don't even lie to me!"

Brad gave an amused grin. "It's funny, what an unsaved girl...one whom gave away the greatest gift of all, will say to a 'man of God'. It's funny what this girl will say when she doesn't want to discuss religion, so she says." He raised an eyebrow. He slowly, reverently, picked up the Bible from the table. "Riley, if you want answers, truths..no greater Truth exists than this. And if you want my truths, you must have a lot of this Truth. I cannot tell you what you want to hear unless you hear what you do not want to be told."

Riley considered her options. Considered her brother, whom she knew so well. She put her hand on her stomach and heard those five words in her head. Finally, she nodded her head.

"Riley," Brad started. "Do you believe in God?"

"Brad, we've already..."

Brad interrupted. "Riley I was not asking if you had a relationship with God. I was asking if you BELIEVE in God."

Riley put her finger to her lip and tapped it a few times. "I believe there is something," she answered.

"But yet," Brad said, "you have rebuked that something. Riley..." Brad leaned forward and furrowed his brows. "What I am going to tell you...you will not believe. If you rebuke what you do believe, how can I, in confidence, trust you with the truth?"

"Brad, this is my brother we are talking about. Not God." Riley, frustrated, stood up. "If you can't give me answers I will look elsewhere. Good night." She looked down at Carlita, who was sleeping and reached down to give her a small shake. Before her hand reached Carlita's shoulder however, Brad's voice reached her ear.

"I know where your brother is." The words stopped her heart. She heard nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing.

Brad continued. "I know where your brother, my friend, is." His voice softened once again. "But I can not trust you with that knowledge. I can not have you gallivanting off, in your state, to destroy what he has wrought. My heart aches for something to be done, but not by you. Not now."

Riley, her eyes full of tears, suddenly felt herself humble. She got down on her knees and placed a hand next to Brad. "Please...." she begged. "Please Brad. He's the only one who loves me. He's the only one who doesn't view me as a monster."

Brad patted her hand. "Oh, but he's not the only one who loves you. There is one Love even larger than his."

Riley, not sure why, nodded.

"Riley, let's pray."

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Back on the road, Riley looked over at Carlita who, obviously exhausted, was asleep once again. Riley couldn't help but look down at Carlita's protruding stomach and feel a stab of jealousy. Maybe it was because of whom she had just been talking to, maybe it was because of Carlita sitting next to her for so many hours, but something was causing Riley to have very unpleasant thoughts about the past.
She shook her head and tried to concentrate on the road. She wasn't sure what had happened at Brad's place. All she knew was that she had knelt down and listened to Brad pray. She had cried at his words, but she hadn't spoken the words herself. She wasn't ready for that. She had instead watched a grown man break down and become a child. She had listened to words that seemed not to come from him, but that nonetheless had come from his mouth. She had opened her mouth, in memory of savoring the same thing..she had wanted it. But she had quickly shut her mouth and instead looked at the carpet.

Carlita moaned and Riley focused more on the road. She needed to stop thinking about what had taken place in Brad's home. She had made her decision long ago. She looked down at the little slip of paper in her hand, with an address neatly written in pale black ink. That's all Brad had given her. He told her that he could not tell her more until she accepted the Truth. But he had said he wasn't the man for that job. What he meant by that, Riley had no idea, but she wasn't interested in finding out either.

Riley couldn't believe she was going to do this, but she was leaving her little, dusty town for what felt like was going to be a very long time.

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Riley pulled into the little, tiny post office on Mayhem Drive. Why a street would be named Mayhem in a town so small, she hadn't the slightest idea. She grabbed the piece of paper, well worn from her worried fingers by now, and spoke Carlita's name.

"Carlita," she urged quietly. "Carlita."

Carlita moaned and turned her head, peeking out of one eye. "Are we home yet?" she mumbled.

"Carlita, I'm going inside. I need to...do some business." Carlita had slept all through Brad's prayer and hadn't been woken until Riley had stood up to go. She had no idea what was in Riley's hand. Carlita swiveled her head, saw the tiny disheveled building and chuckled. "All right then," she said. "I need to pee."

Riley walked around to the opened passenger's door, and helped Carlita to her feet. Brad had prayed for a long time, and so the sun was just beginning to creep above the horizon.

Riley tried the front door, but, finding it locked, proceeded to rattle the whole door. A shuffling woman in around her late sixties approached the door and grimaced. "We're not open!" she yelled in a raspy voice.

Riley sighed, and took a look at the long, bare roadsides. She didn't want to go that much farther. "Ma'am...." Riley suddenly got an idea. "Carlita..." she whispered, "lean a little more on my arm." Carlita only happily obliged, and Riley tried again. "Ma'am! My neighbor here is on her way to a check-up at the doctor's, but she desperately needs to use the bathroom!" Carlita grunted in agreement, and the post lady gave Carlita a scouring glance.

"All right, but hurry up!" she snapped.

Riley ushered herself through the door after it was opened, and Carlita shuffled in the direction of the post lady's outstretched finger. Riley hadn't noticed the broom in the post lady's hand, but her eyes were now mesmerized by the swooping motion the broom made on the floor. She fidgeted her hands, wondering if she should try the lady's patience.

"Ma'am....you wouldn't happen to have any maps, would you?"

The post lady let out a heavy laugh. "In a post office this size? Girl, wake up and smell the cow dung!"

Riley, discouraged, went back religiously following the broom with her eyes. She could hear the clock tick and the gentle 'swiff swiff' of the broom. She looked into the lady's eyes and saw something else: fatigue.

"Ma'am?"

The post office lady huffed and leaned on her broom. "You want to know if we have a GPS, I suppose?"

Riley smiled and shook her head. "No ma'am. I was wondering if I could take care of that for you," she said as she gestured to the broom. "I'm sure my friend will be a while. She's tired and she's pregnant."

The post lady looked defiant, but her sagging shoulders gave way to a look of relief. "Well....if you must." She handed over the broom and watched with her hands on her hips as Riley began mimicking the swooping motions she had seen the post office lady make.

"Now, why on earth would you sweep that way?" the lady asked, giving a small chuckle.

"Well," Riley stammered.

"Girl....I sweep that way because I have a bad back. God gave you a strong body for a reason. Haven't you ever swept a floor before?"
Riley didn't mention that her floors were all carpeted, but realigned her body and gave harsher strokes. This was hard work! She slowed, however, and hesitantly looked the lady in the eye.

"So you believe in God, huh?"

The lady met Riley's look without backing down. "Don't you? Now get back to work before your friend finishes. I'm an old lady," she smiled. "I have to milk this for all it's worth!"

Riley was finishing the last bit and sweeping the residue in a duster when Carlita finally came out, looking relieved. "This baby is already pushing buttons!" she joked with a smile on her face. Riley handed the broom back to the lady, who now had her arms crossed, and turned to leave the tiny building. As she pushed open the door, the raspy voice called out.

"Where is it you be going? I can sense trouble when I see it, so don't ask me to get involved. But....for sparing my back, I'm sure I can spare you gas."

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Carlita looked incredulous. "Riley, this is my car. I DEMAND you turn around right now, and take me home." She punctuated the last three words with eager jabs of her forefinger into her palm.

"Carlita, I need a car!" Riley tried to concentrate on the road and ignore Carlita's whining.

Carlita guffawed. "This is MY car! It's not made to go traveling half-way across the continent over some stupid fantasy you have! I know it's hard, but face it! Your brother is DEAD."

Riley had told Carlita about the horrible paper back home and the cutting black ink. She had also told her about Brad's words and the little slip of paper. "Carlita....he is NOT dead. I KNOW it! I don't know how, but I KNOW it!"

Carlita huffed for the third or fourth time. "They do not send those letters for fun Riley. I'm PREGNANT Riley. I need to be home!"

Riley stammered. "Well..if I take you home, can I use your car? I'll pay you to use it, I promise! And I won't damage it. I'll bring it back in the same condition!"

"No Riley. I need my car. And I'm not going to give it up for the sake of you going crazy on me because you're distressed. Denial never helped the suicidal."

"Then come with me, Carlita!" Riley begged. "I HAVE to find out. I HAVE to see. It'd be nice vacation for you." Carlita looked at her in disbelief. Riley could see the words "I'm pregnant" forming on her lips once again, and so spat out words without thinking. "Carlita, I'll....I'll pay for your medical bill!" Carlita promptly shut her mouth, opened it, and the shut it again. Finally, she smiled and let out a chuckle.

"Yeah...right. I knew you were crazy."

Riley tried desperately to hang onto something to sway Carlita. "No, really! This can't take longer than three to four weeks. And by the time we get home, I'll be satisfied, and I'll work five jobs if I have to! I swear it!"

Carlita gave Riley a long hard look. "You won't. Maybe someone else would, but you won't." At hearing a sound of offense from Riley, Carlita continued. "BUT....I know what you CAN do for me, if you don't pay me back." Riley quickly glanced at Carlita in a questioning manner. She took a deep breath. "You have to promise to find Davis and tell him what you did."

Riley stomped on the brakes. "WHAT?"

Carlita raised her eyebrows. "Do you want my car or not?"
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I can see what you mean about the choppiness... there's a bit of an... unevenness in the flow of the narrative. The actual quality of writing is fine, though. As with the other story I read of yours, you description very good. You put a lot of thought into what should go into a particular scene... like all the things that should be happening and the thoughts going on in the characters' minds. You really make everything feel so real and believable. I envy that ability of yours, honestly.