I'm feeling generous with my Viz today, and I really have nothing better to do with it. So I will pay up 1000(!) Viz to the best joke, or story you can tell to make me laugh.

Now I have a few rules
1. The story has to be appropriate, I will disqualify any sexual stories. I'm pretty sure that's against the rules anyway, but still, this should go without saying.
2. You can post as many different stories as you want, in fact, the more stories, the higher the chance that I actually give you the Viz.
3. I like a good sport as much as everyone else, and if you leave feedback for other user's stories, then you could get some Viz on the side.
4. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE no begging for me to pick your story. You will not win that way.
5. No bribing me. It won't work. Sorry.
6. Abide by the normal rules of Vizzed.
7. This contest will end December 31st, 2010, or when I have enough stories that I feel they will start to blend together.

Now please do let the games begin. 1000 Viz to the winner of this contest!

This is a story I heard at church the other day, and thought it was hilarious. Tell me what you think.


Said the big white rooster, “Gosh all Hemlock, things are tough,
Seems that worms are getting scarce and I cannot find enough.
What’s become of all those fat ones is a mystery to me;
There were thousands through the rainy spell, but now where can they be?”

The little red hen, who heard him, didn’t grumble or complain,
She had been through lots of dry spells, she has lived through floods of rain;
So she flew up on the grindstone and she gave her claws a whet,
And she said, “I’ve never seen a time there were no worms to get.”

She picked a new and undug spot; the earth was hard and firm.
The big white rooster jeered, “New ground! That’s no place for a worm.”
The little red hen spread her feet, she dug fast and free,
“I must go to the worms,” she said, “the worms won’t come to me.”

The Rooster vainly spent his day, through habit by the ways,
Where fat worms have passed in squads, back in the rainy days.
When nightfall found him supperless, he growled in accents rough,
“I’m as hungry as a fowl can be. Conditions sure are tough.”

He turned to the little red hen and said, “It’s worse with you,
For you’re not only hungry, but you must be tired too.
I rested while I watched for worms, so I feel fairly perk;
But how are you? Without worms too? And after all that work?”

The little red hen hopped to her perch and dropped her eyes to sleep,
And murmured, in a drowsy tone, “Young man, hear this and weep,
I’m full of worms and happy, for I’ve dined both long and well,
The worms were there, as always – but I had to dig like (fill word here :-))”

Oh, here and there white roosters are still holding sales positions,
They cannot do much business now, because of poor conditions.
But as soon as things get right again, they’ll sell a hundred firms -
Meanwhile, the little red hens are out, a-gobbling up the worms.

thats a good one but i got one that happened in real life
my school has house games so we had a challenge to make chocolate milk with actual chocolates so we chewed the chocolates and ended up making a gooey chocolate milk
then to earn extra points we were dared to drink it and one of the guys did onour team and someone actually threw up!!!

Hello everyone.... I have a funny story to share. Its takes place over the summer when I did my basic training. During basic you have to make your bed obviously and it has to be perfect.It was the first night there and there were four of us in the room, we made our beds and didn't want to ruin them too much when we went to sleep. One of my roommates had the idea that we could stand on top of our bed near the pillow and slip under the blankets, which would then not pull the sheets out from the sides. I got under this way and so did two of my roomamtes, but the last guy was not as flexible and could not bend down as much to do this. Half way down he decides to lean against the wall to help lower his body, well the bed happens to be on whells so the bed shot away from the wall. It was dark and quiet and the only thing you could hear was the bed shoot out and his scream of pain. My roommates and I popped up to see if he was o.k. which he was bed I could only see his legs dangling over the corner of his bed. We started laughing so hard the the instructor came down the hall screaming at us to shut up, three of us just pretended we were sleeping and he rushed to push his bed back and jumped in. The moment he got into the bed the instructor walked in. We all got away clean, and in the morning we checked out the damage. He had cut his arm slightly and didn't know it. I walked over to his bed and flipped the blanket and seen the blood all over. I laughed and said to him "wow dude, what did you do? Have your period in here?" and also told him to have fun explaining this to the sargeant when it comes time to do sheet exchange. This was only the first night in basic training. It was tough, but you do get a lot of stories from it, and I hope you enjoyed this one. LOL.

and this
A woman is driving his car on a highway. A man is on the same road, but in the opposite direction. When you cross the man down the glass of the window and yells:

- COOOOOOW!

The woman lowered her window pane and answers:

- baaastaaarrrd!

Each follows his path, but the woman, who is very angry, around the first turn collides with a giant cow lying in the middle of the road.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Jake Kostik. He lived in a village with his mother Shanaynay and his father Woo Woo John. He loved to run. He also loved to drive his tractor all through the land! One day Jake was riding his tractor to class when all of a sudden his good friend Alex jumped out in the middle of the road. Jake Kostik hurriedly hit the brakes and luckily Alex survived, but now Jake's tractor was broken. The two suggested they pool their money to buy a new tractor, but then Alex remembered he had no money. But then Jake remembered his other interest, which was running, so he ran far far away, until he fell into the ocean and got eaten by a mutant piranha. The end.

jmc1097 :

That made me laugh. Bonus points for stroking my ego for me. The way to a Jake Kostik's heart is through his ego.

Here's two more funny stories.

STORY ONE:

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead.

He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he tripped over its root.

He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:

"Dear Lord, Please let this bear be a Christian."

The bear sat down on its bum and held the man's hands, closed his eyes and said: "Dear Lord, I thank Thee for the food that I am about to receive!"

STORY TWO:

There were once three men who lived pretty mediocre lives. They had normal jobs, normal lives, you name it! Nothing was different about these three in particular. They all worked at the same city, in the same office.

During this day, the three men were eating their lunches, and each one had something to say about it.

The first guy had spaghetti. He said, "If I get spaghetti one more time, I'm going to jump off this building."
The second guy had Quiche. He said, "If I get Quiche one more time, I'm going to jump off this building."
The third guy had a PB and J sandwich. He said, "If I get PB and J one more time, I'm going to jump off this building."

They all ended up getting the same lunches the next day, and they all jumped off the building.

The next day, at the funeral, the wives of the first two men were weeping profusely. However, the third wife's eyes were completely dry. The other two asked her, "Why aren't you crying?"

She responded, "He packed his own lunch."

I don't know if you'll like them but I think they are funny and they are true. I have also posted them before on another thread, so I don't know if it's OK. Anyway, here they are:

So it happens that I was in a friend's home helping her w/ the cleaning. She left for a few secs to put the garbage out on street for pickup. I'm not a very tall person, so I was over a chair trying to reach some books, when it suddenly happened: I felt on my backs, but over her husband, who was behind me, making a huge noise. And so it happens that she enters home and sees me laying on the floor over her husband while his arms are around my waist. Then she looks at me very VERY serious and says "if you're planning to cheat on me with my husband at my home, you should at least choose a moment that I'm not in". I froze. I mean, I didn't even know the guy was at home! I could swear he wasn't until he materialized himself under me out of nowhere! And I was desperate, trying to think on what to say (and actually emitting sounds like uh-uh-uh) when she starts to laugh histrionically and says "You're white, you should had seen your face". Then she told me that her husband had just arrived home and that 5 seconds later his arrival she heard the big noise and rushed in to see what had happened.


And the other one:
It happened a few months ago. I was walking in the streets when an unknown guy starts walking by my side saying a bunch of crap. He stared at me so I stared back at him and I kept walking. Try to pick up the scene: he was walking at the street staring at me (so he was not looking ahead) saying nonsense when suddenly...he hits a stobie pole while I just keet walking! His glasses flown away and he felt on the floor on his back with a "what in heaven just happened?" face. I don't know if you think this is funny, I do. Besides, it taught him not to harass walking girls

PS : I saw the stobie coming closer and closer...but I surely did not warned him



Well-behaved women rarely make history
----------------
PS2: Fine.
Mega Driver with 71 games: Nice.
Super Nintendo bought at the fair for US$ 25,00: Double Nice.
Turbo Game VG9000T bought at the same fair for US$ 5,00: Just Great.
Black Mega Driver 3 found in a trash can with 4 cartridges: works like a charm.
Long in the tooth Atari: running smoothly
Xbox360 Falcon bought for US$ 700,00, used for 6 months: May devil be with it and guard it.

Here is 4 stories that I think is funny: 1.Me and my family were eating at the kitchen table,and a blue spider looking thing got on the table(i put it there). I picked it up and shoved it into my brothers face,and HE SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL!!! I thought it was funny. 2.Well,me and my brother were at the park in front of the swings cause we were gonna go swinging. I told him since I was skinnier,I'd get in the broke swing. He got into the WRONG swing and ended up on the ground. 3.Mom was on her laptop and a cockroach fell off the ceiling into her hair,so I said "Mom! There's something in your hair!!" And She screamed so loud the neighbors called the cops. 4.We were driving and me and my mother got into an argument,and she said "life ain't fair!!!",so right after she said it I said "Yeah,you either "live free" or "die hard". Thanks For listing!!!!!!!! Super Mario Game Dude: D

k i got another one how do you put a girrafe in a refrigirator?..........................................................................................you open it put the girrafe in and close it hahahah
now how do you put a elephant in a refrigirator?......................................................................................you open it take the girrafe out and close it hahahahah
there was a lion king meeting all animals attended but one which animal did not attend,....................................................the elephant because it's still in the refrigirator hahhahahaha
there was a lake infested with crocodiles how do you get across?...............................................................................................u jump in swim across i said it WAS infested with crocodiles and they are all at the lion king meeting give me my Viz i know u r laughing hysterically

There is one more month left in the competition people. I want to see some more stories!

did not see that coming xmiguel4x i got one good story left in me i was at a raptors game yesterday(raptors creamed wizards!) and in half time they showed a vid of the mascot called 700 games of oops and it showed hilarious mistakes by the raptors like he was in a karate suit and bows to the kid and the kids kicked him in the nuts and something besides the video is that barbosa passes it to a player and he misses and tramples on the people on the floor seats or maybe the vip sections...
ps drake was at the game

Alright, I'll give it a shot...

A man is old and dying in his home. They've tried everything to get him to feel better; all kinds of medicine, therapy, etc. But nothing works. Now one day, he woke up and smelled his wife's special chocolate chip cookies! Those were his favorite! He had to get some of those cookies. But the thing is, he can't use his legs. So he gets out of bed and crawls to the kitchen. He gets to the doorway, looks up on the table, and sees a plate of cookies. So he reaches up... *SMACK* Wife: Stop that, those are for the funeral.



So three strings walk into a bar. They sit down, and one goes up to the counter. The waitress says, "We don't serve strings here." So he sits back down. "Let me handle it." another string says, and the waitress says, "Hey, I told you we don't serve strings here." so he sat back down. The final string says, "I've got an idea.", so he messes up his hair, and twists all around, and walks up to the counter. "Are you one of those strings?" the waitress asked, and he replies, "No, I'm a-frayed knot."

Hope you like them.

Robert7 : don't get the second one but the first one was funny i enjoy this thread even when the contest is over you can keep this thread going legacyme3 just for people to come here and read some funny stories

Here's a story I read in a book before. It might not be that funny, but it's worth a shot

There were once two boys named trouble and shut up. One day Trouble got lost in the woods. So, Shut up went to the police station to get help. The officer said "What is you're name? "Shut up," said Shut up. "Excuse me?" "Shut up" "Just tell me you're name, okay?" "SHUT UP!!!" "Young man, are you looking for trouble?" "How'd you know?"

oyaman : lol funny that reminds me of another one
there were 3 aliens that landeed on earth and they went to different areas to learn english one went to the park one went to a school and another to a resteraunt then the alien at the restaraunt learned the word forks and knives so he said it constently then the person at school learned the word me so he said me me me then the alien in the park learned the words he stole my loly pop. so they wentt to a murder scene and a cop asked do you 3 know who did this and the alien who went to school said me me me me me and the cop said how did you do it then the alien who went to the restaraunt said forks and knives forks and knives! then the cop said why did you do it then the alien who went to the park said he stole my loly pop! one more

there was a rich man who was taking a train to new york the next day but then a night gaurd had a dream about the same train that crashed then he called his boss and said don't get on the train i had a dream that it crashed. then the next day he did not go on the train and on the newspaper it said that the same train crashed then the rich man calls the nightgaurd and says thank you for saving my life but your fired why did he say that?..................................because he was sleeping on the job lol

While at college, someone else told me about a senior prank at the high school they went to.

A group of students got 4 living chickens somewhere. They used washable paint (or something temporary like that) to paint numbers on the chickens. They painted each chicken with one number. The numbers were 1, 2, 3, and 5. When they were ready they released the chickens all over the school. Officials spent some time rounding up the four chickens, but they were still searching for the fourth chicken (they assumed there was one with a 4 somewhere in the building).

It took forever for them to realize there was never a Number 4 chicken.

I have come across a funny story, hope everyone likes it because I know I did.

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Lions f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

k this one i found
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"