I'm gonna review ZELDA!!!! No not really. I'm reviewing some kind of hacked Zelda or something. Spoiler alert, it has nothing to do with Zelda. Well, besides the name, enemies, characters and all that stuff. But to the actual review!
Title Screen You turn the game on and are greeted by a beau.... OH JEEZ WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?? It looks like the Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin got into the game already! That isn't a good sign. But hey, some great games had bad title screens! Like... like uh.... that one game... and the guy... with no hair... and then he got the sword with the hair.... and umm.... his hair came back....? Ok I got nothing.
Starting Off The Game As soon as you start the game you realize that the graphics were ripped right from Link's Awakening. Then, you go into some little cave/house place. And hey, the Old Man is in there! That's a good sign! Hopefully.... And then some text comes up. It's in another language though. Wait why is some of the game English, and some... Whatever the heck that language is?? Couldn't they just keep it one language? Like when you die, the first word (Which is continue in English) is in some other language! Below that, it says "Save" all in English. Below Save, it says something in a different language! I mean, come on! You couldn't keep one language? You just had to combine two languages?? Why the heck was that necessary?? But anyway, the Old Man gives you the sword. Oh wait... He gives you a boomerang... A BOOMERANG?? THAT'S NOT EVEN A WEAPON! The boomerang can't kill anything! You need to walk all the way to the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE WORLD WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE MONSTER. And each screen has like, 5 guys! How do you do that? This is where most sane people would just give up. I guess I'm insane because I walked all the way across the world without a weapon. I wish the game had a death counter just so I could see how many times I died.
The First Dungeon I walked into the dungeon which looks exactly the same as some houses in the world. They literally just reused the tree house as a dungeon. Guess what? THERE ARE EVEN MORE MONSTERS IN THE DUNGEON. After you get through almost the first half of the dungeon, you find a staircase. The game goes into a 2D platforming mode, like Mario Bros. and you start on a ladder. I went down the ladder and couldn't go any farther until I glitched out and ended back up at the top of the ladder. I couldn't go down at all! But I could walk RIGHT INTO THE WALL. I just walked all the way through the stinkin' wall to an ugly green sword. Wouldn't that be convenient? If you could just walk right through a wall and get whatever you needed? Hmm. I'm really hungry. I think I'll just walk through my wall and grab a burger. I'll be right back. 5 Minutes later... The sword stinks. It's some green sword and it takes like, 5 hits to kill anything! Have you ever even seen a green sword before??? After about 5 minutes of murdering a ton of skeletons that barely attack back, and also murdering a bunch of white bats, I finally got to the boss. He was a generic wizard guy. By that, I mean a reskin of the first dragon in the real Zelda. He makes the same sound, he uses the same attack, but I can't hit him. I keep using the sword on him but after 5 minutes of slashing him up, he isn't damaged at all! Then, I remembered that in the beginning of the dungeon, I killed some bull guys and the dropped bombs. I decided to use the bombs on him. I placed one bomb and he died. That's it? THAT'S IT? Oh well I guess. Some skeleton says some stuff to you, but I cannot read it. You go into the next room and pick up a skull. I don't know why, but apparently it was good. It played the music that played when you get the Triforce in the real Zelda. And then you're outside the dungeon. I made it into the second dungeon, but I somehow managed to get stuck outside the walls of the dungeon and couldn't get anywhere. I had 2 choices, reset and try again, or burn the game. I chose burn it. I picked it up and turned the fireplace on. Then I threw it in there. That was the end of... Whatever the game was called. THE END. I'm gonna review ZELDA!!!! No not really. I'm reviewing some kind of hacked Zelda or something. Spoiler alert, it has nothing to do with Zelda. Well, besides the name, enemies, characters and all that stuff. But to the actual review!
Title Screen You turn the game on and are greeted by a beau.... OH JEEZ WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?? It looks like the Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin got into the game already! That isn't a good sign. But hey, some great games had bad title screens! Like... like uh.... that one game... and the guy... with no hair... and then he got the sword with the hair.... and umm.... his hair came back....? Ok I got nothing.
Starting Off The Game As soon as you start the game you realize that the graphics were ripped right from Link's Awakening. Then, you go into some little cave/house place. And hey, the Old Man is in there! That's a good sign! Hopefully.... And then some text comes up. It's in another language though. Wait why is some of the game English, and some... Whatever the heck that language is?? Couldn't they just keep it one language? Like when you die, the first word (Which is continue in English) is in some other language! Below that, it says "Save" all in English. Below Save, it says something in a different language! I mean, come on! You couldn't keep one language? You just had to combine two languages?? Why the heck was that necessary?? But anyway, the Old Man gives you the sword. Oh wait... He gives you a boomerang... A BOOMERANG?? THAT'S NOT EVEN A WEAPON! The boomerang can't kill anything! You need to walk all the way to the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE WORLD WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE MONSTER. And each screen has like, 5 guys! How do you do that? This is where most sane people would just give up. I guess I'm insane because I walked all the way across the world without a weapon. I wish the game had a death counter just so I could see how many times I died.
The First Dungeon I walked into the dungeon which looks exactly the same as some houses in the world. They literally just reused the tree house as a dungeon. Guess what? THERE ARE EVEN MORE MONSTERS IN THE DUNGEON. After you get through almost the first half of the dungeon, you find a staircase. The game goes into a 2D platforming mode, like Mario Bros. and you start on a ladder. I went down the ladder and couldn't go any farther until I glitched out and ended back up at the top of the ladder. I couldn't go down at all! But I could walk RIGHT INTO THE WALL. I just walked all the way through the stinkin' wall to an ugly green sword. Wouldn't that be convenient? If you could just walk right through a wall and get whatever you needed? Hmm. I'm really hungry. I think I'll just walk through my wall and grab a burger. I'll be right back. 5 Minutes later... The sword stinks. It's some green sword and it takes like, 5 hits to kill anything! Have you ever even seen a green sword before??? After about 5 minutes of murdering a ton of skeletons that barely attack back, and also murdering a bunch of white bats, I finally got to the boss. He was a generic wizard guy. By that, I mean a reskin of the first dragon in the real Zelda. He makes the same sound, he uses the same attack, but I can't hit him. I keep using the sword on him but after 5 minutes of slashing him up, he isn't damaged at all! Then, I remembered that in the beginning of the dungeon, I killed some bull guys and the dropped bombs. I decided to use the bombs on him. I placed one bomb and he died. That's it? THAT'S IT? Oh well I guess. Some skeleton says some stuff to you, but I cannot read it. You go into the next room and pick up a skull. I don't know why, but apparently it was good. It played the music that played when you get the Triforce in the real Zelda. And then you're outside the dungeon. I made it into the second dungeon, but I somehow managed to get stuck outside the walls of the dungeon and couldn't get anywhere. I had 2 choices, reset and try again, or burn the game. I chose burn it. I picked it up and turned the fireplace on. Then I threw it in there. That was the end of... Whatever the game was called. THE END. |