10-23-13 01:53 PM

MechaMento is Offline

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| ID: 913421 | 1063 Words

MechaMento

Level: 86

POSTS: 924/2105
POST EXP: 204659
LVL EXP: 6064697
CP: 6978.3
VIZ: 33539

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Hello readers. I am MechMento here bring you a story of my creation. It is called No More Violence and Suffering and it is a mix of genres. I can class it as action, fantasy and in some ways dystopian fiction. This is my very first story I have created so it may not be up to the standard as some of the other fiction created on vizzed. I hope you enjoy reading my story and be sure to give me feed back because I always applaud it. But only if it is constructive, so that means you actually have to read it and not just say it is good.
ENJOY!

No More Violence and Suffering!

Chapter 1
The blade sunk in marsh after very narrowly missing me. The gladiator seemed rather angered since his mighty swing at me had brutal force. I stole his sword feeling sly. The sword was still lying there in the marsh before I took it, it was as if he was letting me win. Maybe I had a chance, or maybe it was one of his mischievous plans. At least I was living the dream, surviving against such a feared gladiator.

I raised what was his sword above his head. He showed no sign of resistance, nor was he trying to simply avoid the attack. He just stood on his knees there crying. I first assumed that he was just not used to be at the risk of losing. I am not sure he has even come near to defeat. Every brave soul that would dare to challenge him would turn to a regretful soul before their life ends. People appreciated his talent in such a way he was eventually classed as the Demi God. But now all of this was about to go. His one talent, the only thing he did in life other than surviving could all go in one single sweep of the sword. I would be the subject of this trauma!

The crowd were getting tired of me just holding the sword above his neck. I was still fascinated how he is still yet to counter. I felt sympathetic towards the gladiator though and that was what was keeping me away from ending his violent life. Achieving my dream was hard for all of the wrong reasons now, this was becoming psychedelic and my mind was struggling to overcome it.

I could see the everly angered faces of the crowd. I have no good cause to please them so I throw the sword away from me. The sword reaches the opposite side of the arena. This triggers a swarm of rubbish from the audience to violently approach me, it was accompanied by an awfully deep blast of insulting boos. They hated my actions but I had the impression that what I did was the right thing.

I heard the gladiator get up and thank me in the background. This is what I was really after, not all of this money and material product. He approached me and we simply shook hands, again triggering boos. He generously congratulated me and I was no stranger to be grateful.
Our good sporting behaviour was coming across as rebellious to the hosts of the death match, nor was it appealing to the crowd. I turned to see what monsters we have unleashed. My eyes suffered the horrors of glaring guards and a hateful audience. I now knew the wise decision would be to leave the arena before it becomes a physical argument. I told the gladiator to follow me and before he got time to question me, I was already running.

Angry fans ran in front of the main exit making a human wall of mobs and the feared armed guards had all of the staff exits surrounded. Both exits had dangers and hazards but we figured that the main exit was the safer option.

We sprinted forwards running at the mob, occasionally avoiding the odd hurled beer bottle. We barged passed the first row with ease but that pleasure was destroyed when reached the tougher generation. We both had to endure the beating from a glass bottle. It was first a heavy pain from the impact and then the eye watering sting came from the gushing cuts. I felt faint from all of this blood, which was ironic since I was just in a fight to the death but this was my blood yet I still get no sympathy was coming from the rioting audience. The gladiator saw my misfortune and reacted violently. He struck the mobs with his hardcore knuckles knocking each and everyone of them, one by one. He had just committed assault to a, what the hosts and law call an "innocent" civilian.

The armed guards were given the task to tame us. They rushed over to the main entrance, not having to worry about the audience. They had guns so people would not dare to protest and would simply make room for them in utter fear. The entire audience moved to one side giving the guards a clear shot on us. The gladiator dropped my wasted body onto the floor and raised his hands. By this time I was hardly able to move any limb. If I got caught conscious and not raising my arms I would look like I was protesting and my life would be at risk so I had to play unconscious and hope for the best. I made a final quick smile at the gladiator before tuning out. All I could do is wait in this unconscious looking position. I had no breach of communication now or I will look suspicious, and that could of possibly ended my life I now had to rely on the gladiator to save his and my lifes. I find myself drowsing off, feeling very tired. I guess playing unconscious was not as hard as first thought about. The last thing I hear is the gladiators words wishing me and him luck, they could of been the last words I would of ever heard...

This is the end of the first chapter. If I get positive response I will be happy to continue this traumatic story. Remember to keep your feedback on my work constructive or I will question your ignorance to the story. This has been MechaMento.... Have a Nice Day!

Hello readers. I am MechMento here bring you a story of my creation. It is called No More Violence and Suffering and it is a mix of genres. I can class it as action, fantasy and in some ways dystopian fiction. This is my very first story I have created so it may not be up to the standard as some of the other fiction created on vizzed. I hope you enjoy reading my story and be sure to give me feed back because I always applaud it. But only if it is constructive, so that means you actually have to read it and not just say it is good.
ENJOY!

No More Violence and Suffering!

Chapter 1
The blade sunk in marsh after very narrowly missing me. The gladiator seemed rather angered since his mighty swing at me had brutal force. I stole his sword feeling sly. The sword was still lying there in the marsh before I took it, it was as if he was letting me win. Maybe I had a chance, or maybe it was one of his mischievous plans. At least I was living the dream, surviving against such a feared gladiator.

I raised what was his sword above his head. He showed no sign of resistance, nor was he trying to simply avoid the attack. He just stood on his knees there crying. I first assumed that he was just not used to be at the risk of losing. I am not sure he has even come near to defeat. Every brave soul that would dare to challenge him would turn to a regretful soul before their life ends. People appreciated his talent in such a way he was eventually classed as the Demi God. But now all of this was about to go. His one talent, the only thing he did in life other than surviving could all go in one single sweep of the sword. I would be the subject of this trauma!

The crowd were getting tired of me just holding the sword above his neck. I was still fascinated how he is still yet to counter. I felt sympathetic towards the gladiator though and that was what was keeping me away from ending his violent life. Achieving my dream was hard for all of the wrong reasons now, this was becoming psychedelic and my mind was struggling to overcome it.

I could see the everly angered faces of the crowd. I have no good cause to please them so I throw the sword away from me. The sword reaches the opposite side of the arena. This triggers a swarm of rubbish from the audience to violently approach me, it was accompanied by an awfully deep blast of insulting boos. They hated my actions but I had the impression that what I did was the right thing.

I heard the gladiator get up and thank me in the background. This is what I was really after, not all of this money and material product. He approached me and we simply shook hands, again triggering boos. He generously congratulated me and I was no stranger to be grateful.
Our good sporting behaviour was coming across as rebellious to the hosts of the death match, nor was it appealing to the crowd. I turned to see what monsters we have unleashed. My eyes suffered the horrors of glaring guards and a hateful audience. I now knew the wise decision would be to leave the arena before it becomes a physical argument. I told the gladiator to follow me and before he got time to question me, I was already running.

Angry fans ran in front of the main exit making a human wall of mobs and the feared armed guards had all of the staff exits surrounded. Both exits had dangers and hazards but we figured that the main exit was the safer option.

We sprinted forwards running at the mob, occasionally avoiding the odd hurled beer bottle. We barged passed the first row with ease but that pleasure was destroyed when reached the tougher generation. We both had to endure the beating from a glass bottle. It was first a heavy pain from the impact and then the eye watering sting came from the gushing cuts. I felt faint from all of this blood, which was ironic since I was just in a fight to the death but this was my blood yet I still get no sympathy was coming from the rioting audience. The gladiator saw my misfortune and reacted violently. He struck the mobs with his hardcore knuckles knocking each and everyone of them, one by one. He had just committed assault to a, what the hosts and law call an "innocent" civilian.

The armed guards were given the task to tame us. They rushed over to the main entrance, not having to worry about the audience. They had guns so people would not dare to protest and would simply make room for them in utter fear. The entire audience moved to one side giving the guards a clear shot on us. The gladiator dropped my wasted body onto the floor and raised his hands. By this time I was hardly able to move any limb. If I got caught conscious and not raising my arms I would look like I was protesting and my life would be at risk so I had to play unconscious and hope for the best. I made a final quick smile at the gladiator before tuning out. All I could do is wait in this unconscious looking position. I had no breach of communication now or I will look suspicious, and that could of possibly ended my life I now had to rely on the gladiator to save his and my lifes. I find myself drowsing off, feeling very tired. I guess playing unconscious was not as hard as first thought about. The last thing I hear is the gladiators words wishing me and him luck, they could of been the last words I would of ever heard...

This is the end of the first chapter. If I get positive response I will be happy to continue this traumatic story. Remember to keep your feedback on my work constructive or I will question your ignorance to the story. This has been MechaMento.... Have a Nice Day!

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10-25-13 07:35 PM

Sidewinder is Offline

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| ID: 914814 | 580 Words

Sidewinder

Level: 65

POSTS: 765/1093
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CP: 4575.8
VIZ: 50810

Likes: 1 Dislikes: 0

To start off, I do like the overall story and it is a bit exciting in the beginning.
However, some things that may help you:

I feel your beginning was much too abrupt and just came in too quickly.

"The blade sunk in marsh after very narrowly missing me."

Very nice to start off, the reader doesn't know what's happening, and that's what will probably lead them to keep reading.

"I raised what was his sword above his head. He showed no sign of resistance, nor was he trying to simply avoid the attack.
He just stood on his knees there crying."

The first three sentences, be more elaborate! He showed no sign of resistance...how? Maybe explain in a little more detail, like "he was crouched over, looking like any resistance left in him was suddenly washed away", or something like that.

As for that sentence, I am a little unsure of what to make of it...I feel it has a lack of detail, but yet there is nothing completely wrong.

"His one talent, the only thing he did in life other than surviving could all go in one single sweep of the sword. I would be the subject of this trauma!"

Now, this sentence is a little vague, don't you think? To any reader really, it sure is evident that everyone in life "has a talent to survive". Surviving isn't completely a talent in itself, so maybe you can really specify things here. The second half of the sentence is really good however.

This sentence is not bad at all, maybe just weird to me, so don't fix it if you feel you don't have a problem with it. In my opinion, the wording's a bit weird, maybe "I would be the center of the attention" or something around those lines (don't use what I wrote as an example to start out with...it is very cliche), just a little more specific.

"The sword reaches the opposite side of the arena. This triggers a swarm of rubbish from the audience to violently approach me; it was accompanied by an awfully deep blast of insulting boos."

Nothing absolutely wrong here, maybe just to make flow a little better, say "...triggering a swarm of rubbish..." instead "...arena. This triggers..."

"I heard the gladiator get up and thank me in the background. This is what I was really after, not all of this money and material product. He approached me and we simply shook hands, again triggering boos."

"This is what I was really after, not all of this money and material product." What you were after should be stated somewhere in the beginning possibly, since right here, it feels out of place. To me, it's like you spend $500 from your college savings. You then tell your parents that you want to use $500, but you already used it! Maybe place it (in a way that doesn't interrupt your flow) in a sentence where you are fighting, stating you are fighting, but you never really intended to except to earn/gain _______.

Regarding that sentence, details could definitely improve it. Add some spice! "..and we then proceeded to grasp hands firmly, and shake hands with strong grips, which resulted in a vehement hissing and booing from the crowd." Details details details

The rest of Chapter 1 is very solid, and I feel you can use the tips from here to improve on the bottom.

Nice job, and keep up the nice work!

To start off, I do like the overall story and it is a bit exciting in the beginning.
However, some things that may help you:

I feel your beginning was much too abrupt and just came in too quickly.

"The blade sunk in marsh after very narrowly missing me."

Very nice to start off, the reader doesn't know what's happening, and that's what will probably lead them to keep reading.

"I raised what was his sword above his head. He showed no sign of resistance, nor was he trying to simply avoid the attack.
He just stood on his knees there crying."

The first three sentences, be more elaborate! He showed no sign of resistance...how? Maybe explain in a little more detail, like "he was crouched over, looking like any resistance left in him was suddenly washed away", or something like that.

As for that sentence, I am a little unsure of what to make of it...I feel it has a lack of detail, but yet there is nothing completely wrong.

"His one talent, the only thing he did in life other than surviving could all go in one single sweep of the sword. I would be the subject of this trauma!"

Now, this sentence is a little vague, don't you think? To any reader really, it sure is evident that everyone in life "has a talent to survive". Surviving isn't completely a talent in itself, so maybe you can really specify things here. The second half of the sentence is really good however.

This sentence is not bad at all, maybe just weird to me, so don't fix it if you feel you don't have a problem with it. In my opinion, the wording's a bit weird, maybe "I would be the center of the attention" or something around those lines (don't use what I wrote as an example to start out with...it is very cliche), just a little more specific.

"The sword reaches the opposite side of the arena. This triggers a swarm of rubbish from the audience to violently approach me; it was accompanied by an awfully deep blast of insulting boos."

Nothing absolutely wrong here, maybe just to make flow a little better, say "...triggering a swarm of rubbish..." instead "...arena. This triggers..."

"I heard the gladiator get up and thank me in the background. This is what I was really after, not all of this money and material product. He approached me and we simply shook hands, again triggering boos."

"This is what I was really after, not all of this money and material product." What you were after should be stated somewhere in the beginning possibly, since right here, it feels out of place. To me, it's like you spend $500 from your college savings. You then tell your parents that you want to use $500, but you already used it! Maybe place it (in a way that doesn't interrupt your flow) in a sentence where you are fighting, stating you are fighting, but you never really intended to except to earn/gain _______.

Regarding that sentence, details could definitely improve it. Add some spice! "..and we then proceeded to grasp hands firmly, and shake hands with strong grips, which resulted in a vehement hissing and booing from the crowd." Details details details

The rest of Chapter 1 is very solid, and I feel you can use the tips from here to improve on the bottom.

Nice job, and keep up the nice work!

Trusted Member