Singelli : Not bad!  I came to care deeply for all the characters.  I sympathized with the plight of the struggling wife, and came out with a greater resolve never to treat my future wife like her husband treated her.  I really hope you continue this story later.  I'd really like to see the wife develop more into a more stalwart, unafraid person.  The choice to leave it hanging really left me craving resolution.  Yet perhaps you were trying to ask questions, rather than give answers?

The emotions that you wanted the reader to feel were exhibited properly. Very thorough and detailed. This is a great start to a story like this. There are still many roads it can take, as well as either a happy, or tragic ending...depending on how you want to finish it. I know I would like to read more, if you ever feel like continuing on.

Although, there is one small problem that I have. Its the last paragraph. I obviously know much less than you when it comes to writing styles, and this is your story so you can be free to write it however you like. But the last paragraph didn't feel right to me. Why did he have to give verbal affirmation that he wouldn't hurt her? How is that important. In my opinion, telling a victim of verbal abuse that you aren't going to hurt them will only remind them of possible situations that the person abusing them may have said the exact same thing. Therefor, creating the images, and the potential subconscious feelings of fear, and doubt. Very rarely would a victim of abuse be comforted by that phrase, especially by a stranger who at first glance seemed "nice."

I don't have any real suggestions as to what it could be however. It just feels off. Maybe that entire last paragraph doesn't even need to be there if and when you decide to continue your story It can be easily removed at that point and continue of from the previous few sentences. But either way, it is just my 2 cents, and it was well written in my opinion. I enjoyed what you have started.

Singelli : Wow. That was really nicely written. It was filled with emotions....... it made me feel.... different. Nice job.

I don't know where to start.

This story, literally, plays with your emotions. You either feel bad, glad, or just, well, anything else. At the beginning, I felt extremely dismayed about the main character, Mikaya, was it? She lost her job, had an abusive husband, and just everything seemed wrong. Then, you uplifted the sadness of the story with a sort of suspenseful helpful man. You didn't know if he would abuse her further, or legitimately help. The ending makes you want more, and really makes you feel confused. It made the reader actually want to care.

Secondarily, the language and detail you used was superb. I could see what was happening in my mind, and what the setting was. Your imagery was amazing. The words had a picture, a piece of art behind them, to say the least. You made it so the reader actually enjoyed reading it. There was a whole picture to it. It was thorough, and if you had the heart to, could lead into a road of different stories you could make. You made it so we didn't have a boring overview. You could have said, "Someone called Miyaka at night while she was sad." What YOU said was even better. It's just those little things that makes the whole story erupt into a blast of, well, flavor.

You made us ask questions, really. Not only did you describe it like it was a picture and how it took your emotions on a sugar rush, you described the intensity of the feeling, and intentionally left questions there. When Mikaya got her call of discharge, you intentionally made us think, "Wait, what? Why was she fired on top of what crap she's going through already?". That was amazing. A complete sprinkle of an author.

Lastly, you used schema and knowledge you have in this story. You used sensitive and nice Mikaya to briefly describe you. She's not exactly confrontational, but she's very warmhearted. She sees the best in others after a while. I'm assuming the job thing had to do with bad bosses over all, and what you have to go through sometimes. You just did a really awesome job on this story. Schema is an author's friend and enemy. If you use it wrong, you're out. Use it right, you succeed.

Overall, awesome story. I REALLY loved it and how you put your detail and knowledge into it. You're really good at stories, of course. You seem like they're bad, but they're not! They're awesome! Keep writing!

First, I want to say (once again) that I really hate it when people obviously never read a post and then want to 'praise' the author over something they have no clue is really well written or not.  It kind of demeans a writer's work and makes their emotions when writing all seem for naught.

Secondly,

goodboy :  Thank you so much for your feedback. I have to say I was a bit taken aback, as I certainly feel you were someone who read my words.  I appreciate the insight you gave me and the fact that you brought up details which let me know you read what I wrote.  It's really hard sometimes to invest so much in a story when nobody cares about said investment.

There are some other issues I'd like to address, but... I'm not so sure I want to.  I feel it'd take away from what I'm trying to do with the story.  However... I do really want you to know how much your feedback meant to me.  If you read my comments to dlscowby22 below, it might address some of what I was thinking.

dlscowby22: Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I think that as an author, it's every bit as important to hear the good, as it is to hear the bad. In fact, I'd actually rather here what's "wrong" with my style so that I can improve. If people are always telling me what they liked or what was right on key, I'll never know where to go, and I'll also doubt their honesty.

I'm going to go with your advice and completely eliminate that last paragraph.  I think I started to be afraid when I reached this point in the novel.  Much of the time when I write, I have one idea in my head, but the words take control and I soon find my story going somewhere else altogether entirely.  This hardly ever happens with any planning, and I start to find things progressing much more quickly than I am comfortable with.  I'll keep 'forcing' the writing until eventually... I just hit a wall.  I look at where I am and wonder what I'm supposed to do next.

That's kind of what happened here.  Things started smoothly as always, but the story developed more quickly than I had anticipated. I actually wanted this piece to be a slow accumulation of smaller interactions.  Instead, hardly 3,000 words in, and my main character was already having a face to face confrontation with a stranger.

I became 'stuck'. I wasn't ready for that.

However, the good news is this: sometimes as writers we simply have to step back.  I've taken a break from writing, been to work and done all that jazz.... now maybe I can continue this with the same steady flow?  The fear of the confrontation is still there.... but I'm going to try and tell myself it's not.. that this progression is normal.

So without further ado, let me crack my knuckles and take another stab at this.  I feel like I really can't do it any further justice after the comments you all have left me, but you guys did at least encourage me to continue giving it a shot.... even if I didn't like how it's turning out.

For clarity's sake, I've picked up the last few lines in order to pick up where I left off:

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He interrupted her as though he expected it.  "Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything," he added.  "I'm married and happy about it."  With that last statement, his hand changed position and came near her cheek, causing her to wince and pull back reflexively. As her heart stopped in shock, she almost tried to explain her reaction away.  However, a second later and she knew she didn't need to.  He pulled his hand back after tugging her jacket collar a little higher, and her cheeks blossomed in shame.

Did he know? She felt foolish for letting the collar slide down and her breath halted. Knowing that the man might be aware of something she tried so hard to hide, she felt obligated to keep him this small bit of company.  Obligated or not however, she wasn't happy about it. Readjusting the bag on her lap, her gaze fell once more as she fought internally with her decision.  Finally, with a small nod, she pushed to her feet.  Andrew was gracious enough to step back and give her some room, but it was clear that she'd probably appreciate more.

Thus, Andrew stepped back once again, the scuff of his foot echoing in the awkward moment.  As though it weren't strange enough, Mikaya could hardly get herself to move, not willing to be in front of the stranger.    Their breaths rose and fell at the same time before Andrew finally broke the barrier of discomfort by once more leaving the bus stop.  With a small chuckle, he tried to make Mikaya feel more at ease.

"I thought we'd never get out of that silly thing!" He jammed his calloused hands into his coat pockets and whistled a meaningless tune, his eyes watching for movement on her part.  It was hesitant, but it came nonetheless and Andrew almost choked on the note caught between his lips.  He didn't seem to think the feasibility of her coming along was high and Mikaya sensed that doubt.  Trying not to fret, she slipped the soggy plastic bag onto her elbow and gave the young man a faint nod of her head.  Her muscles were tense beyond her control and she could feel her heart pumping against her rib cage.  Every breath encouraged a new barrage of half-panicked beats.  Was he thinking about it?

Mikaya gulped past 'it' and followed him into the store.  He was rambling softly about something without looking back in her direction, and the lack of focus on his part was relieving.   She could only imagine how her husband would feel if he could see her now... traipsing along after some guy she bumped into.  The thought did nothing to calm her nerves and she found herself wishing for an opportunity to escape. How had she placed herself into this situation and how could she have avoided it?

Every eye in the store was suddenly a threat.  The lady pulling at the arm of a gauche sweater was watching her a little too closely as though taking a mental note.  The cashier inclining his head in greeting was waiting to gossip about who he had seen with whom.  Even the little boy tugging on his mother's arm was certainly the child of one of her husband's coworkers.  Mikaya felt her breath quicken with every step and it wasn't until she stood in front of the dairy fridge that she realized the young man had asked her a question.

"I'm a housewife," she mumbled quietly, her ears flaring as though he would be able to sense her source of shame.

"Wife, huh?" Andrew asked as though unaware of the mental distance between them.  He casually glanced into the ice glazed shelves and cleared his throat.

She nodded her head and propped the fridge door open. The cool air rushed out to greet her skin like the kiss of a butterfly, and Mikaya tried her best to forget how very real her statement had been.  How would she tell her husband?

Her hands found what they sought, and it was no sooner than the fridge door thud shut, than she realized Andrew was once more trying to hand her a few crisp notes.  The ability to hide her terror this time was insurmountable and her tongue felt heavy in her mouth.  She was hardly able to mutter a quiet 'no thank you'.  The soft words slipped past the weight of her tongue just as quickly as her footsteps led her away from her nightmare.

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I really wanted to write more, but I've already reached a stopping point. I can't seem to decide on where to go from here, so after staring at the screen for a good 15 minutes, I think I just have to be satisfied with that small bit.  Some days I'm able to write more, and some days my 'inspiration' or 'drive' is short lived.

I imagine this would be a first chapter?  So perhaps it's not such a bad stopping point after all?

Just wondering, but why did you write the story in third person? I feel like that the story would have more of an impact to the readers and help them connect with Mikaya more if it were written in first person point of view. Unless, Mikaya isn't the only one whose emotions are going to be portrayed in the later stories.

You do a really  wonderful job being very descriptive in your stories, but the downside is that I can't tell what Mikaya is thinking or how she's truly feeling. Instead, I feel like the narrator (in this case, you) is making the judgement from their (your) point of view on how she's feeling. I don't know about you, but I really love to be able to see her thoughts when she makes an action, what she's thinking when an event happens, or her conflicting conscience when she has to make a decision. It would really help me get to know Mikaya a little bit better.

Oh, right. This wasn't meant to say that you should change your narrative perspective in your story. I just wanted to know why you written it in third person, that's all.

Mistress:  I'm not really sure.  I mean, ever since high school or so... EVERY story I've wanted to write and did.... was from the first person perspective.  I've often thought that I write from that perspective a little too often, and I guess I wanted to switch things up.... and exactly for the reason you stated.  If I write from a first person perspective, the only person's emotions I can TRULY portray are those of Mikaya's.  I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but I purposefully experimented with shifting the emotional focus to Andrew for a short bit of this piece I've written.  I wanted to see how easy it would be to switch back and forth between characters.

I feel like if I write it in first person, I won't be able to do that, and thus it will feel like the novel has fewer characters and fewer plot lines.

Then, too..... I don't get the chance to read a lot, but I don't recall reading very many novels from the first person perspective.

Finally.... (and I'm not sure how to word this, so forgive me).... I'm not so sure I'm capable of getting that.... 'intimate' with a character's emotions in such a situation?   I mean, I can talk about those emotions from a broader perspective, but I really don't think I could do it justice from so up close, for lack of better words.