I prefer the opinions of English teachers, but I'm willing to listen to anyone who wants to help. I have this homework where I have to do a peer review of my classmate's essay. I wrote 3 versions of how the paragraph should be rewritten, but I don't know which one fits better. So I need help figuring out which paragraph should I use. Also, if you have a better way to rewrite the paragraph, I would be appreciative to know what it is.

*Some notes before reading-
1. I'm posting the second paragraph of his essay.
2. The author had already mentioned his residence in the first paragraph.
3. Words in brackets are of my comments, they're not to be part of the paragraph.
4. English isn't the native language of where I live, but majority of the people here speaks it.


Original Paragraph

When I was younger, I didn't just learn English as my first language, I learn Japanese, Filipino, and English because my mom was Filipino, and my dad was Japanese but we live in [omitted]. But English was the language I learned the most because I went to an English speaking school. But I also went to a Japanese school to learn how to read and write just for my benefit.


Modified Paragraph 1

When I was younger, English wasn't my only first language; I also learned Japanese and Filipino [language not specified]. My mom is Filipino and my dad is Japanese, but we decided to live in [omitted] instead of Japan or the Philippines. English was the language I learned more, rather than Japanese or Filipino, because I went to an English speaking school. However, I also went to a Japanese school to learn how to read and write for my own benefit.


Modified Paragraph 2

My mom is Filipino and my dad is Japanese, which is why English isn't my only first language. I was able to learn English, Japanese, and Filipino[language not specified]. Although, English was the language I learned more of because I went to an English speaking school. I also went to a Japanese school to learn how to read and write Japanese characters for my own benefit.


Modified Paragraph 3

English wasn't the only first language I leaned when I was young; I also learned Japanese and Filipino[language not specified]. This was because my mother is a native of the Philippines and my father originally came from Japan. Because majority of the people in [omitted] speaks English, I was able to learn it more than the other two. However, I went to school to learn how to read and write in my dad's language for my benefit.

How about this...

I was brought up in an Asian family, my Mom was Filipino and Dad was Japanese, despite the facts we choose to live in {where ever}. Along with English I had learned my parents national languages. As my life progressed I found myself learning English faster than my other two languages since I had grown up in an English speaking School. I had also experienced a Japanese school to learn to read and write in my Dads language, this was rather beneficial.

I hope this help you, though I have ended up doing someone elses homework in the holidays.

Your peer has 4 instances of the word English, 3 instances of Japanese and 2 instances of Filipino. In my opinion, adding to these instances only makes the paragraph more cumbersome. I like MechaMento's use of the words "Asian" and "my parents national languages" and "my other two languages" to take some of the pressure off of Japanese and Filipino.

I won't rewrite the paragraph because I get the feeling that that's not what you want but I really can't say that I like either paragraph better than the other.

Another suggestion, take notes (similar to your review breakdowns) about the original paragraph. Then try rebuilding the paragraph into something brand new using only the notes and in your own words. Hope something I suggested helped...

thephantombrain :

With your advice, I made a third paragraph. Is it any better than the other two? I would also like to mention that where I live, English isn't the native language, but you'll barely find anyone who doesn't speak it (unless they're tourists). So that's why I had to use 'English' twice on my third modification.

Yeah, that's much better. You're a quick study.

I have respect for people that know how to converse in two or more languages but I have the deepest respect for those who can read and write in more than one language.

Also, I enjoy advising you on your writing and would like to add, that in every post where you speak (or type) from the heart, your English is very natural. So natural, that it never occurred to me that it wasn't your native language. Having said that, your last post needs no editing or revision at all. My point is, if you write it like you would speak it or even ask yourself "Would I say that?", then your written words would need very little correction.

Best of luck! 

thephantombrain :

Thank you! But I think your're misunderstanding, where I live =/= where I was born. I originally came from the Philippines, but we migrated to where I live right now 2 weeks after my birth. Where we live right now, English had already populated majority of the place (barely anyone speaks the native language here, but they make it mandatory to learn it in school), so English is technically my first language. It's just, with my mom speaking to me in broken English all the time, I often forget the rules.

Again, thank you for your advice! Now I'm one step closer to completing this peer review.

Local Mods :

Help has been delivered, may you close this?

Sure...

Closing this right now!