So the new story is "Liquid Science" It's the start of the Enma Antex trilogy that I was working on originally with "The Bloody Kingdome".

Here is a format I'm working on. It's only a small blurb of chapter 1. Just tell me if it works or needs a few tweaks.


Liquid Science: Chapter 1-

A tall skinny man enters from a back room. He makes his way into the middle of the library he resides in. There he has an old eccentric rocking chair, which as he sat down his black robe kept neat as to not crease or wrinkle. Releasing the tied blue ropes that kept his hood up he reveals his face. A pale white, sharp face covered in long, straight blue hair that even spilled over the left side of the face. One eye that could be seen pale and gray as seemed to be aged from time, stares at the electronic tabling laying in his right hand. With a heavy sigh he lifts his left hand and brushes the hair from his face, revealing a long pointed ear. Once settled in the man called out, “Rin! I’m ready to read to you now!”

The break of the silence made a disrupting wave throughout the library. A boy in black and yellow robs pops up to life from the table he was seated at the top of the library. Within a moment of hearing his name called he comes jumping from the top floor to the bottom without even being fazed by the impact. “Oi! Took you long enough, dad! I’ve been waiting for hours for you to find that tablet.”

The man just laughed. “Well if you were able to help me then I could have found it faster. Some times two pair of eyes are better than one.” He shook his head as to stop the conversation. “Anyway. I wanted you to hear this story about the AI War. After all you are dabbing into AI research.”

Rin rolled his red eyes at his dad. “Oi just get on with the story! I don’t need you nagging me about my studies!” At that he plopped himself on the ground with a loud thud.

“Keep this up and I’ll make you sit here for years listening to the story!” The dad glares at Rin, then gives a light chuckle. “Now this tablet is the first of three diaries explaining the AI wars in full detail. This one was written by Princess Crystal Antex of the planet Antex.”

Log 1:
Date: Apul 1, 3030

I am keeping track of my activities in here in case I am ever found dead. Those who are reading this will note who has killed me. I have been forced into engagement with the black knight Lord Blacky Aoshi. He has taken over all of Antex as hope to get a hold of the goddess’ sword. Lord Blacky did not take over my planet by blood shed or by force. His ability to serve my father King Antex by squelching out any old tribes has earned him a place as future ruler. Though he is seen as a hero in the eyes of the people and my father, he is not the hero everyone thinks he is.

He has been known to rape and murder every girl he sets his eyes on. Though some how he has been able to cover it up. He is able to blame thugs and other dark figures of the crime world for the horrors he has done. One night though I saw him in the act in the palace. He raped and killed one of our maids in her quarters. He saw me but did not do anything to me. Instead I woke to find that he asked my father for my hand in marriage. My father of course accepted Lord Blacky’s request. I am not long for this world if I allow this to continue. Lord Blacky only allows me to live because of two things. Firs he wants to rule this world and need to be married into the family. Secondly I carry the key to the goddess’ sword.

Now I know I cannot ask for help from anyone here. The second I ask for help Lord Blacky will kill them. I do know of one way to get out of this, but I will loose all title and all fortune I have. I must join the Universal Maid Service or better known as the U.M.S. The legendary Klarth Kline created this service for any male or female to join as long as they relinquish any title or fortune they have. No he does not take the money. More you just get erased from your planet. You are trained then sent to a master on a different planet in the Universal Alliance. I hear that if the servant is in any trouble the U.M.S does offer protection to the best of its ability.

I am planning to make my way to the U.M.S headquarters here in the city of Enma. I have told my father and my brother Miki that I am heading to the holy mountain to do the weekly cleansing of the goddess’ temple. Everyone knows not to enter the temple when I am cleansing it so Lord Blacky will not look for me. This should give me seven days to get off this planet.

-End part 1 of log 1-

RequiemHaunt :

SonicMaster :

Ok where do I begin.... Do you not notice I'm a mod and not a newbie!

Secondly that post had little to nothing dealing with this thread. It was full of spam!

Next time you want to make a post like that put in in Private Message Inbox. Don't fill a thread with a post that has nothing to do with the topic.

And because it was a lot of the same thing and not dealing with the topic I have to ignore your word count for that post. Just keep this in mind for the next time you want to make friends with someone on here!

RequiemHaunt : it's a nice start, There's only one thing I really picked up on and that is a few spelling errors.. Robs instead of robes etc.

"There he has an old eccentric rocking chair, which as he sat down his black robe kept neat as to not crease or wrinkle." I'm not sure if this is me having a brain fart, but this sentence is missing something. 

Apart from those 2 very minor things I enjoyed it ... Even read Rin's dialect in a cockney English accent . Just let me know when you have written more