I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. It took me about twenty minutes. So tell me what you guys think.

Step back
Observe the world today
No one should have to listen to what others have to say
No one should have to deal with the closed mind of another
No one should have to hear the ridicule from their mother
She tries to hold on, but she's dangling from so high
She tunes out Ellen Degeneres so it's easier to lie
She has to hide inside herself and never come out
She can't let anyone know what she's about

Step back
See what they see
It's hard to imagine yourself being who they must be
He walks up the halls with his head hanging down
He's afraid to look up at the jeering frowns.
"You're a queer!"
They jeer
He clutches his books to his chest with fear
"It's almost over," he thinks, "It's almost the end of the year

Step back
See what they see
The consequences are a horrid fee
They walk home with no feeling in their hearts
They wish to end it now before it has another opportunity to start
He takes a gun, she takes a rope
This is the sign that they've lost all hope
Thinking back on all of the horrid days
They wish for it all to go away
He runs up the stairs
She takes a chair
The rope swings
The coldness of the gun stings
As they step on the chair and load the chamber
They think of all the things they don't want to remember
The rope tightens, the gun cocks
Before anyone can stop it CRACK BAM!
The doors are not locked
The police arrive
"It's a suicide"

Step back
See what I see
That could have been me
It could have been anyone
to be driven to reach for the gun
The bullies learn of what has come
Some laugh harder while others also reach for the gun
Some change their ways
For the rest of their days
But is this going to be the cost?
Will so many have to be lost?

Step back
Will it ever end?
Will no one ever take a stand?
You're not up to the task?
Why should we stand you ask?
Because
If no one does
the Lady will never be able to love the Lady and the Tramp will never be able to love the Tramp without the repercussions of ridicule from society.
My society. Our society.
Will you be able to handle the blood of the Lady and the Tramp staining your hands?
If not, take a stand.
We must all fight for what's right as they always say
Or there could be more ropes and guns at the end of the day

Hmm. I can't believe that you wrote that much in twenty minutes. I'm never that fast when it comes to poetry (unless it was bad lol). I like how the tone is not too serious despite the subject matter. It seemed almost like a black comedy but not that twisted. Right when I read "it's a suicide" I immediately thought of the song "1-800 Suicide" from the Gravediggaz. Perhaps I'm reading this too lightly due to seeing "Ellen Degeneres", "CRACK BAM", and the possible Gravediggaz reference, but, it's interesting regardless of tone. I really enjoyed the loose structure (especially seeing that long line towards the end). Perhaps in twenty minutes, you didn't revise it enough (the narrative may be a little confusing, or perhaps I just need to reread it more). You should definitely tighten it up a little and repost it again. Good stuff!

NotJon : I see what you mean by the looseness, but it's a slam poem so it's meant to be loosely written. The similarities to that song you mentioned are purely coincidental. I've never heard it before. Yeah, the Ellen Degeneress part was a bit of a stretch, but it was meant to be symbolic in a way that everyone could understand. Anyway thanks for the advice. I've actually re-written this same slam poem numerous times, this re-write just happened to take only twenty minutes.

XxChaosxX : Ohh I see now. You should have specified that it was slam 8P

Good job XxChaosxX your very talented

That's a beautiful representation of modern "suicide". Very expressive with an important message that all people need to acknowledge.

Do you go to poetry slams often?
Ever happened to see "running poetry"? if you have, then you know what I mean.

About the poem. I like the concept, it's the first one off this forum I've actually liked,
sorry everybody, I am a literature-snob in some ways...

Step back
Observe the world today

it's a good opening, because it catches attention
and pretty much shouts out to people: THINK!
and how you repeat it through poem - see what they see etc - it's good also.

There's a lot of emotion in it and I so would like to hear this on a poetry slam evening,
because just on paper - it doesn't work. I mean, it doesn't have its full effect.

Well written, though!