It's all about a man who lost his remote....


Once there was a couch potato. He slept, ate, and lived off of his T.V. Once every week, he would get to the fridge and get a weeks worth of chips, soda, candy, etc. One time, one, DREADED time, his remote...was missing...He didn't mind for about 3 hours, 36 minutes, 28 seconds, and 10 milliseconds EXACTLY. Then a show he didn't like(it was actually a movie, but it was shortish). He freaked out, as he couldn't reach the Little buttons on the side of his T.V. He then tried to calm himself down, drinking a little bit of sprite. Then the channel changed to an even WORSE, longer movie. He ate some chips, even more nervous. Than, it changed to a day-long marathon of the one show he hated. He noticed every time he ate or drank something, the channel changed. He said "Well, perhaps I'm sitting on it." He noticed nothing under him, as feeling nothing. He then came to the sad, dreaded conclusion that he ate it...He had to go to the hospital, barely making it to the car itself. A very long story short, he made it to the hospital. The remote was way to far inside, so he had to have surgery. Another very long story short, it was out. Then He vowed to always be more careful when eating. He then went on and exercised every day. After that day, he was very fit. He always ran at least 1 mile for the next 6-7 months. Then he decided to run about 5 miles for the next 4-5 months. Then, after wards, he ran an extra 6'th of a mile every 2-3 days.


THE END.


To be continued in "A little story...2(two)"


So how did you like it? Reply on a scale of how much you liked it(10 being "AWESOME!!", 0 being "never even think of the word story AGAIN"). You could also reply on some ideas for number two. But make it good, because I want the rated to be MUCH higher in number two.

I just want to remind you that i'm not a professional critic or anything but,.....

I rate it a 6, sorry, but i'm just being honest, but here are some tips:

1) Even if it's fictional, make it as real as possible, I.E. you said he drank some sprite and the channel changed, i don't think it would be possible for sprite to go and hit the remote and change the channel.

2) You could keep some of the statistics out because some people might think that you are just trying to make the story drag on.

3) If you are trying to write a story, don't switch back and forth in between a narrative and 3rd person view. As i see you do a couple times.

4) This one is almost elementary, but, instead of using "said", use a better word or phrase, such as: instead of saying "He said "Well, perhaps....."" you could say, "He told himself "Well perhaps.....""

5) Don't use ALL CAPS WORDS that often, many people are even more critical thean me and they absolutely hate grammatical errors, no matter if they are on purpose or not


Just some tips, hope i didn't discourage you or anything

I rate it at a 6 also. i think it was kinda interesting i think you did alright

I also rate it a 6/10 because it doesn't sound that interesting, just a story. I think this should go to the Campfire Story Thread, just a place where you tell stories. I also think you did an alright job, but you can do better. Just keep working on it if you want to become a great writer or a story teller.